Disclaimer: This post in no way represents any doubt about what I believe as far as religion. This is just part of the journey when you seek the truth. Some of it will be hard for your emotional-self to assimilate. But I believe that solutions exist and writing about it, talking about it, is my way of finding those solutions.

This morning, after letting my dog, Giz out, and making coffee, I went back and opened the door to call Giz in, and instead of his name I just shouted, “Helloooooo!”

A sign of Ginkgo Biloba deprivation? Early onset Old-Timers disease?

Though it is my tendency (or coping mechanism) to make light of things, I think the event was much more troubling to me on another level. I think I have a deep seated– or maybe Deep-SEEDED — recognition of a particular Universal fact: I’m alone…there’s no one “out there” to save me…but I’m still in that stage of calling out into the void, just to make sure.

On the road of life, there are leaders, followers, and those on the shoulder, trying not to get squished by the first two types who are whizzing by, while they try to fix the flat on their car, that is also just about out of gas…that’s me there, with the half empty can of fix-a-flat.

(Hi.)

I have always had this “luck” issue. I’ve felt, as a rule, unlucky. So, naturally (?), religion, popular or esoteric belief systems, motivational speakers, and alleged “Laws of Attraction” have all appealed to me at different times in my life. All those roads led to atheism, for me. I am, and have always been, ethical, though, admittedly, angst-ridden. Even when I take on all the responsibility of making all but ONE thing happen in a given situation–the thing out of my control–it doesn’t happen, and I am unable to reach some of my most important goals. This example and others like it have led me to examine this subject more deeply. Since my induction into unbelief, when I feel powerless, there’s no one to blame, no one to make deals with, no spells to cast, no one to pray to–it just IS. But this is the embodiment of “isness” that is anything but Zen.

While I am completely onboard intellectually, in this atheistic personal cosmology, I still struggle with the emotional and philosophical aspects. It’s like the adult in me made the decision and moved on, but found the child crying, and had to take her by the hand and find some way to reassure her that everything will be all right….that concept, that paradigm, is a metaphor for the larger picture. I am aware of the almost genetic need of humans to have something bigger than themselves, someone in charge, some Universal Parent who gives them a sense of protection and safety. But I know there is no Universal Parent, and this leaves me orphaned near this swirling black hole, and I am on its Event Horizon, nanoseconds away from getting sucked into the nihilistic abyss. How do I reconcile Emotion and Intellect in this matter? How do I frame my personal cosmology? How do I “de-program” my mind from this cultural-psycho-social-childish need for a greater power than myself, from whom I can seek help and comfort?

As I’ve said, you have to be able to recognize your truths in the daylight before you can find them in the dark. I need to understand this so that I won’t have a constant battle inside myself, like one of my gay-Christian friends who believes she will burn in Hell for being gay, yet still worships this god of hers. I would, literally and with literary allusion, be going from the Frying Pan into the Fire.

Does my luck have anything at all to do with my personal cosmology and how I assimilate it, or are they two different things altogether?