Ok…BF. and I are dating. weird, eh? I don’t really know exactly how it all happened…we were pretty much agreed that we were friends…and this weekend seemed like it was going to be like any other…and truthfully, I hadn’t ever really thought of her that way…maybe glimpses here and there…but the energy was there and things were stellar…I mean…it seemed meaningful, tender, all the things I’d hope for that sort of interlude to mean….and it was so much better because she’s my best friend. It’s hard to describe. I never got any of the weird feeling like I needed to “run” or change my mind and all of my weird commitment-phobe issues haven’t really come to the fore. Of course, it still is a little confusing…and while we don’t want to post it all over myspace…I think most of our good friends will be thrilled. At least, I know my parents would be tickled pink…they LOVE [her]…and my sister and cousins and Grandma, I mean virtually everyone we know has always sorta secretly hoped that we would start dating. I think her Mom already thinks we’re an item…she sent me some booties to keep my feet warm…lol. We’d always joked about it…maybe this is really what it’s all about? Being able to laugh and laugh and still find each other appealing through life’s little bumps in the road…idk. I know we’re still figuring it all out…this was a little out of the blue. Wow. It’s kinda weird to write out.
Floored? yes. Jealous? of course. Hurt? Definitely. I thought she and I had a real connection and that this visit I was planning was equally important/promising to her, as it was to me. Then BAM! She’s suddenly falling into bed with her best friend.
I wrote back and said:
Well, that was unexpected. But i wish you all good things. DO you still want me to visit? or will you have time to spend with me?
I had already made the plans, freed up the money and reserved the car. Haven’t heard from BB yet. But it’s only been about 2 and half hours. I need to know how to assimilate all this. What does it mean? Did she EVER think of me romantically, as I did of her. I guess not. I’m trying so hard not to spiral into the abyss like I always do. This has got to stop being so important to me. It always hurts to much. It takes so much out of me. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle it, but I may not be able to make an assessment until she gives me something to work with. I still want to have her as a friend, but I don’t want friends who are exclusively cyber friends, so I STILL need to meet her. This thing with her best friend could tank because it seems like such a weird thing to her. . .it wasn’t planned. I think something just sort of went down between them—maybe there was alcohol involved. Who knows. Either way, it sort of blows my theory that she was feeling what I was feeling but neither of us could say anything because we hadn’t met. Unless she is doing exactly what she said about the best friend: “I never got any of the weird feeling like I needed to “run” or change my mind and all of my weird commitment-phobe issues haven’t really come to the fore.” Maybe she was doing that with me, by diverting herself to the best friend.
Now i feel foolish for allowing myself to believe something so fantasy-driven.