I got my answer. Woke up at 3 and came down to check my inbox. . .
I don’t normally leave things up to my girlfriends…but in this case, I don’t know what [BF] is thinking or what she would think. I know that though I feel a kinship with you, I didn’t have the intention of “relationship” in a romantic context…but I’m not sure how secure [BF] will be with someone coming in from out of town who I do resonate with on a certain level. Completely complex. She knows you were planning to come into town, but the whole circumstance was so unexpected that I don’t think we really hit on your visit all weekend. This is all new territory. I’ve not felt this for a really great friend before. We only have weekends and she only has limited time at that. I don’t want to make any presumptions on her part, but neither do I want to jeopardize what I think might be the start of a potentially lasting romantic partnership. I mean, we don’t want to be a U-Haul couple, but we were already talking about buying a house together in West Texas. Her lease is up soon…man…this is weird…but better than anything I thought possible. All I can say is, “Whoa.”
Another hard lesson learned.
Lots of mixed feelings here. At first I went back to bed, crying, determined to just stay in the bed until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I cried for a while-mostly just feeling sorry for myself, but then the confusion came. . .i got up, knowing I wouldn’t be sleeping, even though I needed another 4 hours. SO what else is new. I don’t want this to be relegated into the same scenario of me falling into depression, disheartened about the prospects of my love life. Even though it was difficult to say, I did put forth my intentions in a certain way; I said I didn’t want this thing to work out romantically with me and her if it was not going to benefit me, or be a positive thing. So possibly, the Universe is responding perfectly. I just don’t have to enjoy the answer.
I do feel a little chumped because for all the kindredness we felt-she said SHE felt-I might only have been that “more evolved” person she needed in order to vent her own angst, and there may be no more meaning to it than that. My biggest challenge, here, is in trusting my Emotional Guidance System again. Why did I feel so much, so strongly, without meeting someone? Did I impose my wishes on her, because she did resonate on such a different level than anyone else I’ve known?
Maybe it’s just like I tell everyone else: sometimes we Line up with someone else’s orbit for a time and our vibrations are in harmony and then one or both of us just moves out of that alignment.
I gave it some thought and then wrote back to her:
I haven’t responded to this until now, because i wanted to give it some serious thought. While i did so, i noticed that your communication with me stopped completely 7 days ago. Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m just someone you’ve been emailing, and chatting on the phone with, and you have your own life there to lead–But the nature of our communication was pretty frequent, so when it stopped after your big announcement, i had to consider that. I do want to say a few things to you.
First, I thought we were building what would be a wonderful friendship, one that was not the usual fare. I had never connected with anyone this way in just emails, and that’s meaningful to me–you have to appreciate just HOW meaningful, since I’ve been on the ‘Net SINCE IT WAS INVENTED, and have exchanged emails with thousands of people… My work keeps me a little isolated, so it’s a way for me to maintain some relationships, even if some of them are not in person; (in person is what i prefer, by the way). Anyway, I also felt the same connection with you on the phone. That, combined with other inexplicable experiences i was having, seemed to indicate that i should pay attention to this one. This one meant something. This one might COUNT. I thought that you were a soulmate. My best friend, i believe, is one of my soulmates, and i thought that I was perhaps being blessed twice in one lifetime.
Now, i have to question everything that passed between us, as I’m not sure you were of the same mind about it. It was inconsiderate, to say the least, for you to agree that us meeting in person was something that needed to happen, confirming a visit with me, letting me arrange everything for that, including a rental car–and then suddenly change your mind simply because you have begun to date someone, and SHE might be threatened in some way by it. Do you really want to cater to her insecurities–especially about a FRIEND???? Why not say “Hey, I’m meeting a new friend this weekend and it’s already been planned. We’re going to visit and then maybe we can all go out Saturday night.” What was the problem with that? IF it really was a problem for [BF]–then… Been there, done that. You recall how my Ex was about it (though i hesitate to even refer to her as an “EX” since it lasted all of 6 months). She managed to alienate all my friends, and Let me tell you, it’s ALWAYS a mistake to let a girlfriend pick your friends.
If, on the other hand, it’s YOU being fearful of “jeopardizing” something new, as you say–[BF] has been your best friend, she’s not someone brand new you just met–how solid could it be if the presence of a new friend visiting from ANOTHER STATE is a threat, somehow? That’s not about how new a relationship is, that’s about how SECURE the people are to begin with.
But perhaps it wasn’t her at all. Perhaps you just needed an escape hatch, and used her, so you could save face? or avoid meeting me for whatever reason? Honestly, I don’t know, and maybe it doesn’t matter now. In looking back objectively, i have to admit that this exchange between us was always about you, and i let that be, because i assumed you were just in that temporary space, and it would eventually level out because we had this great kindredness. But it remained about you, even when i shared pieces of myself that were precious to me, meaningful. You never seemed to care much about what i was sharing with you, but you were always ready to spew your angst at me. Friends are supposed to be able to do that, yes. But there has to be an equilibrium to it. I suspect this was not what i thought: an equal friendship between two people who just might be soulmates….Maybe I’M the fool. You just needed someone to talk to for a while–no, to VENT to–and i was there, and that’s all it was, and anything else i made it, was inaccurate and wishful thinking on the part of a highly creative and perhaps overly sensitive, doe-eyed dreamer. I see that now.
BB, i think you are a brilliant writer, with a brilliant mind, and that was a large part of my being drawn to you (maybe the ONLY part). I think you have tons of potential, and are a good, decent person at heart. That view of you remains. But it might be worth considering: those people in your life who have treated you with insensitivity or disregard–Could it be because you showed them how? Could you have treated them that way, first? Maybe you ought to look at that. Just a suggestion.
Regardless, you were a light shining in a dark place, and maybe that’s what i needed, too, and maybe it wasn’t meant to be more than that…two souls, crossing paths, and moving away from each other again. It happens all the time, and it’s happened to me before, and will again, I am certain….the only negative about it, is the negative I give it. I choose not to do that, because I really would rather keep the fond memory of what we shared for those brief moments.
I still wish you all the happiness your heart can hold.
Now, I thought that was a perfectly fair and emotionally mature response. But obviously, she didn’t see it that way….
[her words in blue, mine in red]
For the most part, I simply wanted to leave this alone. After embarking on the great journey of a relationship with my best friend, and being thrown in the lion’s den at work I receive this email which essentially tells me that I’m a selfish person responsible for all of the mishaps in my life in the forms of bad relationships and negative behaviors of other people. }}}I don’t know if you are selfish or not…i was merely telling you what i was feeling…and you are not responsible for all, no. I’m the last person you have to explain these other people to–i’ve been in that position many times, as we discussed….I was only speaking to my experience with you, when you made that announcement and then disappeared. It made me feel like a chump. I own that. It’s MY feeling. Perhaps you are not at all what i feared in that last email. But how could i know? what did i have to go on?
True, while I did find some solace in our connection, there were a few discussions I found disconcerting }}}i’m sorry you found any of it disconcerting–why didn’t you just ask me? and did not address because though I felt some connection I DO NOT KNOW YOU.}}} and that’s why i wanted us to meet. And that’s why i was sharing with you and you were sharing with me, i thought. I thought we were getting to know each other in an initial way….I did not really know you in very important, in-person ways, either, and to prolong an online relationship of any kind is asking for trouble, unless you have a real, in-person meeting to solidify it.. On top of not knowing you, you took every opportunity to push for meeting which not only struck me as strange but also dangerous. }}}I recall that you said meeting was the next logical step, and you wanted to get a plane ticket to fly here to meet me…when you then said you couldn’t, i offered to rent a car and drive there, and you told me that was great. IF you had a problem with it, why did you agree? If you had concerns about my behavior or my motivations, why didn’t you say something? i’m sorry you thought it was strange that i wanted to move this out of cyberspace as soon as possible. Why is that strange? i believe in REAL relationships with people. And dangerous? i know you can’t know this..but the LAST thing i am is dangerous. I’m sorry you felt that way.
Perhaps I should have been more upfront with my dismay, alarm, whatever you want to call it, but really why was there such forcefulness on your part to meet? }}}because i have made many online connections but know that they cannot be trusted until you meet in person. And again, i only want REAL people in my life. You would have become REAL if i had actually MET you. Is that so hard to understand? My motivation was predicated on the knowledge that online relationships can be so tenuous. I’m sorry you took that to mean i was being pushy. It was not my intent.
It’s none of your business what [BF] thinks or if she happens to dictate things in my life. }}}you’re right, it’s not. I apologize for overstepping, but i was merely telling you how i felt. I trust her implicitly and only wanted to include her in the decision making process because I value her insight. }}}I’m happy you have someone like that. Ultimately, I’m the person who makes up my own mind and truthfully I didn’t understand the urgency about having a face to face. }}}i addressed that above. There was nothing weird about it. Remember, i’ve been doing this internet thing for a very long time and i’ve learned some hard lessons–one, being that to prolong a strictly online relationship is flirting with disaster. Would I have preferred it of course but there is the rest of my life so why the disappointment at not meeting in the month of September?}}}because, i don’t like to linger in cyberspace. that’s all. Nothing mysterious. I’ve done that before and it turned out badly.
If you have NEVER shared a level of connection with another person which we attained, I’m sorry. }}}i didn’t say that. I’m not some maladjusted, emotionally crippled maniac. I said NEVER online without meeting. I’ve had and still have some very deep relationships with people…many of whom i’ve known from 10 to 27 years. That in itself is disturbing }}}only because you misunderstood what i meant by that. but then to conjecture on all the various theories regarding the basis of our “friendship” }}}i was sharing with you the unusual experience i was having while on my spiritual journey. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t reduce it to some online cliche. and turn it into a woe is me }}}that was not fair or nice. because I don’t happen to sit at a computer except for the eight hours I’m supposed to be working unable to start another random discussion addressing all the pitfalls in your life }}}OMG! BB!! what do you think YOU WERE DOING THE WHOLE TIME??? Was it not natural for me to respond in kind? You shared all your angst and all your pitfalls, and that was fine. I appreciated your candor. or have a marathon conversation (need I remind you again how much I HATE THE TELEPHONE BECAUSE I TALK ON THE PHONE FOR A LIVING) }}}and so, for you, the emails were enough. I’m sorry i got the impression you wanted to know me better and in other ways. for your benefit well, maybe the apprehension of having you STAY IN MY HOME was not all that unfounded. }}}Yet, YOU were going to come see ME in MY HOME. Sometimes it’s just a judgment call. I didn’t feel YOU were dangerous. All i can say is i’m sorry i gave the impression i might have been dangerous somehow. It’s hard for me not to laugh at that, because i know how ridiculous that is…though i understand that YOU don’t. It’s not accurate, according to who i am. You seemed to feel this connection just as i did, and i just wanted to understand it better, that’s all. Please don’t make this something scary or threatening.
While I thank you for your compliments and know that I am my own light I’m going to hope that you have respect enough for the next person you encounter on such a level to know that connection does not need to be forced and does not need to be an in person encounter by any means }}}Respect is not the issue. I have enough respect FOR MYSELF not to get too tangled up until i have MET someone in person….and, for me, that in-person thing HAS to exist. Online relationships are only surface relationships. I have a LOT of online friends (who i know in person, but can’t see often), and i’m not looking for more of them. I thought you and I had the potential to be more than that–more, meaning real-life friends, and that implies actually meeting. I don’t feel i was forcing anything, i was responding according to the way YOU were responding. I apologize if i misunderstood that. ESPECIALLY when meeting someone from the internet who has expressed the need to be guarded due to past experiences. }}}I am guarded too. And i will be even more guarded from now on, since this dissolved into something so negative. I can only say i’m sorry for anything i said that may have been unclear or misleading. You are an intense person just as I am, and i felt it was okay for me to be myself with you. I’ll dial that back from now on, because you’re right, online meetings cannot allow two people to know each other that well. …and you can’t know that anyone will take you accurately online.
I was in a space where i was trying to trust my emotions again. I did that, and it turned into this. A HUGE misunderstanding. I’ve learned my lesson. This has come as a great shock to me…this email, here. I’m floored by your perspective. I had no idea you felt that way.
I wish you and [BF] the best of all things.
I feel awful. This hurts my heart so much. Makes me feel even more bleak about finding someone special, when it can get so ugly like this during the friendship stage. It makes me want to pull back inside myself and just forget about all of it. Every fucking bit of it. There is no one. There’s just me, and the sooner I get used to it, the better.