Category Archives: meaning

Thoughts Before the Knife

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I am terrified. I am courageous. I have braved so many things that terrified me. Things I thought I’d never survive. And here I am, “having survove.” I understand that my fear is born of the unknown, where the most potent fear often makes camp. While this is a brand new experience that has no equal, no comparison, I know more now about what is happening to me than I ever have before. And each time I learn more, I have one more tool in my tote to get this job done. I say frequently that You have to be … Continue reading →

Fiction as World View

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I have had some criticism from a few readers who were disappointed when I introduced new characters and locations and plots in my series fiction, and allowed the main characters to have a slightly smaller role to make room; apparently these readers wanted the same story again, the same characters, the same sex scenes, the same dynamics, the same formulaic challenges, the same everything. Essentially, they wanted to read about characters who lived in a vacuum, and never had any interaction with others, nor any natural progression. This mindset is not only elitist, fearful, and unrealistic, but within fiction, stale, … Continue reading →

Going Mainstream

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CAUTION: FRUSTRATED RANT HOVERING NEARBY. When you find yourself, as a writer, lamenting about why you’re even writing at all, and entertaining the idea of not writing any more, something has to change. I’m growing more and more frustrated with, and weary of, the lack of support from Lesbian Readers for what I want to offer them. I am sick to death of their constant praise of bad writing in the LesFic market, and their unwillingness to demand better, and try anything out of their narrow reading interests. It’s painfully clear that most LesFic Readers have literary blinders, and will … Continue reading →

Stupid, Honorable, High-Road Seeking Fool

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In a post from a few years ago (two posts, actually, under Going to Denver Because You’re Dead) I chronicled this transition of moving to Colorado to start a new life; again reinventing myself, with the hope of somehow finding my new place in this ever-changing, ever-challenging world.  I got rid of three-quarters of everything i owned, packed a U-Haul trailer behind my Cherryot, and off I went. A journey that lasted 30 hours on many days of little sleep. By the time I arrived in Denver, i was exhausted, lost, and had this sensation of being on another planet. … Continue reading →

Why not Me?

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Pulitzer and Nobel Prize-winning author, Pearl S. Buck  said, “A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create~ so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off…They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency … Continue reading →

Letter to a Battered Heart

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Open letter to a friend whose heart is battered…. I remember that you were there for me when I was going through a lot and had no one. So I will do my best to be here for you, now. In this life, you have to separate your mental and emotional things, your habits, your beliefs–like laundry. Whites over there, colors over there, delicates there. You can’t throw them all in together or the colors will bleed and what was once pure and white is now sullied. Some things must be kept apart, some things put together, and you always … Continue reading →

Mid-Life Crisis, Much?

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Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas If aging is hard for the average person, imagine how hard it is for someone who has no current social circle, no family, no children, who works at home, is an HSP, an atheist, and a single lesbian. The greatest of these challenges is, for me, being without a partner. I am not suited to singlehood. I hate everything about it. I need someone to cook dinner for when she comes home … Continue reading →

Mind-Bending Esoterica

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 Open Letter to Spiritual Person Regarding Belief in Supernatural based on several posts on Facebook to my Wall.  First, this subject matter does not lend itself to a sound-byte. That’s why science is often wrongly interpreted as unable to respond to wild claims from believers in the supernatural. Complicated things require complicated explanations. Second, this content is not directed at you, CMorte, exclusively. I will be speaking both toward your comments, and toward the spiritual community at large. Third, yes I was a little harsh.  I will try to keep my anger at bay long enough to explain why I … Continue reading →

Thatness And Whatness

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(from my book in progress, Supernatural Hypocrisy: The Cognitive Dissonance of a God Cosmology”) Existence and essence–two things we are prevented from knowing about god from within the Christian faith. Why would we adopt a lifestyle, belief system, code, or any other guideline that has no basis in rational thought or empirical proof? Christian theology states that God is incorporeal, which is to say, non-material. This means God is not composed of matter, which renders the reference to God as a being meaningless. For if something is non-matter, how could it matter? We are beings who are made of matter … Continue reading →

Brain Dump: Mortality & Meaning

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Okay, I know this is going to be less a blog, and more a journal entry, but whatever. Consider it the first in a series of brain dumps. <<–Look, i even made a graphic for it…. Onward…. I usually try to see the bright side of things, and when I can’t do that, I try to see the funny side. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. And often the dark side can be funny, if you know how to manipulate the data. But this morning, I think my brain is in some other gear….PARK, maybe. It hits me like … Continue reading →

Is that What Really Happened?

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…and then there are times when our view of a situation is tainted by erroneous beliefs. It only takes one morsel of misunderstanding, one particle of perpetuation, and all proverbial hell breaks loose. And this Hell might be just the catalyst for a solution. Maybe even the ONLY catalyst that would serve the purpose. As thinking humans, we learn from our experience. We understand through associations. If we have a repeated experience, we soon believe that it is in fact the SAME experience. It is a reflection of the old adage, “If it walks like a duck, quacks like a … Continue reading →

Artistic Angst

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Certain situations and combination of events and feelings coincide and then all existential hell breaks loose in me. I’ve gotten off on a track of thinking that has led me to this point of stress, angst, emotional upheaval. Partly, the stress stems from this Guitar Bar idea becoming more about me, and less about the venue. More pointedly, the stress of defining myself. Identity markers. Strip away those and we fall apart, evaporate, cease to exist or are merely taking up space. How do we stay balanced in our understanding of success? Is success represented by money? by acknowledgment of … Continue reading →

Truth or Consequences

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When it comes to lasting relationships with people in your life, I guess it might all come down to two things: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I can, without hesitation, say that being happy is my choice. The next question becomes: can I be happy with the way things are right now, and with the way another person in my life is right now, warts and all? That answer remains to be seen and might take a little more time. The thing is, after 8 years of college and some pretty hard … Continue reading →