Category Archives: loneliness

Is This How it Starts?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Supine, in the bed for that nap I’m supposed to honor every day now, I was struck by an epiphany… What if my life has been lived? What if I’m now going to settle into that twilight of routine and isness? What if the main dish has been served, and all that’s left is the dessert and the check? It’s not as if I feel I need new adventures or challenges. I WANT things to slow down. In fact, I could not withstand more of what I’ve already endured. But the really sobering aspect still remains. I lived most of … Continue reading →

ADRIFT (poem)

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Tossed, blown off course by the storm, My skin pink from previous sunlight, I stand on the deck and imagine she is there waiting for me to reach shore If I can just glimpse her in the distance like a soothing port of call I know I’ll find my way. But when the sail lies flaccid and I am adrift in the water, I think I can hear the gurgling below, Seeping in, Weighing me down. My vessel riding low in the lapping waves. And bailing water, I ache for the succor of her embrace, The softness of her lips … Continue reading →

Win8, Lose2

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Since I sleep most of the day and stay up all night in order to be on my baby’s schedule so we can visit during the day via Facebook text messaging or Skype video, I have gotten into the habit of wearing a sleep mask to block out light- in an effort to trick my brain into thinking its night time. My circadian rhythm has never been able to dance anyway. In fact it can’t even tap its foot. But I remember years ago seeing women on TV who slept in sleep masks and I thought I could never do … Continue reading →

Stupid, Honorable, High-Road Seeking Fool

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

In a post from a few years ago (two posts, actually, under Going to Denver Because You’re Dead) I chronicled this transition of moving to Colorado to start a new life; again reinventing myself, with the hope of somehow finding my new place in this ever-changing, ever-challenging world.  I got rid of three-quarters of everything i owned, packed a U-Haul trailer behind my Cherryot, and off I went. A journey that lasted 30 hours on many days of little sleep. By the time I arrived in Denver, i was exhausted, lost, and had this sensation of being on another planet. … Continue reading →

Nietzsche, Relationships & the Creative Abyss

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

One of the more useful lessons I’ve learned in my life is that we often have habits about how we deal with things, based on a set of information that may not be applicable anymore. This is why I have to do revisions. I have to re-vision something—look at it again—in order to discover whether or not the method I’m using still applies. Life is about change, and sometimes things change just enough, so that what you have always done is no longer a solution to the new situations and conditions that you are now experiencing. I might be squishing … Continue reading →

Why not Me?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Pulitzer and Nobel Prize-winning author, Pearl S. Buck  said, “A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create~ so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off…They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency … Continue reading →

Letter to a Battered Heart

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Open letter to a friend whose heart is battered…. I remember that you were there for me when I was going through a lot and had no one. So I will do my best to be here for you, now. In this life, you have to separate your mental and emotional things, your habits, your beliefs–like laundry. Whites over there, colors over there, delicates there. You can’t throw them all in together or the colors will bleed and what was once pure and white is now sullied. Some things must be kept apart, some things put together, and you always … Continue reading →

FWPB

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Sometimes we forget the gray areas. The innocuous middle ground that is so often overlooked because it doesn’t scream at us like the extremes do. It’s why certain things are overlooked; like the independent voters, the agnostics, reputable, stable, feminine lesbians, and the middle class. It had occurred to me that sexuality holds its own equidistant region. We have often heard of that relational designation of fuck-buddy (FB), and the other one of Friends with Benefits (FWB), but I contend there is another. The one in the gray area, which has remained undefined, and perhaps under-utilized… FWPB. Friends With Partial … Continue reading →

Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae–I feel once more the scars of the old flame…

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Most things for me, now, are in the context of being an HSP. My Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a brain architecture that will never change. It is part of me as much as DNA or eye color or ethnic origins. I know that one of my main weaknesses in this life, is that I don’t do well as a single person, and by extension, I don’t do well sexless. Those needs get in the way of my common sense in evaluating the character of some women. So I have been so bold as to place ads on adult sites, seeking … Continue reading →

Hanging the Moon and Lesbian Monikers

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I placed another personal ad on Craigslist. Hopefully this won’t turn into a freak-fest like it did last time. And if it does, well, more material for my writing. LOL. The Ad I used before was way more humorous, but I was afraid it might be overwhelming and make ME look a little crazy. Who knows? Here’s the one I used before: Only seek LOCAL friends & dates. Please & thank you. LDR’s are usually doomed from the start. It’s like being pecked to death by chickens. So not big on them unless you can afford to travel to date … Continue reading →

Mid-Life Crisis, Much?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas If aging is hard for the average person, imagine how hard it is for someone who has no current social circle, no family, no children, who works at home, is an HSP, an atheist, and a single lesbian. The greatest of these challenges is, for me, being without a partner. I am not suited to singlehood. I hate everything about it. I need someone to cook dinner for when she comes home … Continue reading →

Fat Chance: Lament of a Transplanted Single

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Before moving here, I never had to worry about what my friends thought of me. They knew me. Sometimes for 10 or 20 years–a few of them longer than that. And I was in relationships usually. Serial monogamist. So I didn’t have to worry about the impression I made, or if I was going to get laid anytime soon, or whether there was someone to confide in, play with…now, it’s all new. New State, new city, new people, and SINGLE, though not NEWLY SINGLE. Aside from a five month relationship, I’ve been single for what? 4 or 5 years? Add … Continue reading →

Held by Jell-O

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

This is forced blogging. I am the forcer in that sentence. I am forcing myself to just type and see what comes out because the lack of writing is just so counter-intuitive and i fear it might have some adverse affect on my psyche. I have been in a funk. A writeless funk. I haven’t worked on any of my books in progress. I haven’t even blogged. Not because i have writer’s block–as I’ve said before, I don’t suffer from writer’s block, it suffers from me. This is about mood. I don’t FEEL like it. I don’t feel like writing. … Continue reading →

What Would You Do to Have it?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

My friend Justi and I were talking about our various relationships and non-relationships last night–she’s in one, I’m not. Part of the reason i relocated to Denver was so that I could meet different types of people than i have been privy to in the past, and have a better chance of meeting someone I could actually commit to. She asked me if i would ever consider moving again if i met “the one” and “the one” was elsewhere. My knee-jerk answer was NO. My knee-jerk answer used to be “yes.”But as I told her, I know that I simply … Continue reading →