Category Archives: depression

Fish Should Learn to Walk

Posted on by

I think I’ve moved past my most recent dark night of the soul. This time it took about 7 weeks. Had a couple of things go my way, though, (finding a new apartment to move to, which I love), and an online relationship deepening into intriguing and exciting possibilities….possibilities that become pissabilities…As is the trend with my life, I don’t get anything good without an addendum of aggravation or disappointment. Some reminder that no, fortune does not often smile on me and the Luck Fairies either have a millennium-old vendetta against my soul, have no GPS, or are somewhat retarded. … Continue reading →

Stupid, Honorable, High-Road Seeking Fool

Posted on by

In a post from a few years ago (two posts, actually, under Going to Denver Because You’re Dead) I chronicled this transition of moving to Colorado to start a new life; again reinventing myself, with the hope of somehow finding my new place in this ever-changing, ever-challenging world.  I got rid of three-quarters of everything i owned, packed a U-Haul trailer behind my Cherryot, and off I went. A journey that lasted 30 hours on many days of little sleep. By the time I arrived in Denver, i was exhausted, lost, and had this sensation of being on another planet. … Continue reading →

The Fourth Betrayal

Posted on by

NOTE: So, in my seeking help when i needed it, for my recent betrayals and abandonments, the counselor i went to see called the next day to inform me she couldn’t see me anymore and for a really stupid reason. I tried to reason with her on the phone, but she had to stand by what she felt was her principals, but which was only LOFTY IDEAS getting in the way of her ability to give the actual care she had sworn to as a medical professional. Finally frustrated beyond words and feeling even worse, i hung up on her. … Continue reading →

Creativity, Intelligence & Depressive Realism

Posted on by

From a Facebook post I made, a thought-provoking subject emerged. Jae Baeli : “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” ~ Ernest Hemingway Tina Harada likes this. Amanda Gulledge I frowned when I read that so I would feel more intelligent. Candace Lynn Breaux Is that why I am unhappy so much of the time? LOL Jae Baeli LOL. Amanda–you crack me up. Candy–probably, yes. Victoria Bard love it…so true! Sandi Partee hmmm…so does that mean I’m not intelligent? Cause I’m happy as a lark! LOL! I understand Sandi’s reply was meant lightly, but let me just … Continue reading →

Why not Me?

Posted on by

Pulitzer and Nobel Prize-winning author, Pearl S. Buck  said, “A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create~ so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off…They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency … Continue reading →

Letter to a Battered Heart

Posted on by

Open letter to a friend whose heart is battered…. I remember that you were there for me when I was going through a lot and had no one. So I will do my best to be here for you, now. In this life, you have to separate your mental and emotional things, your habits, your beliefs–like laundry. Whites over there, colors over there, delicates there. You can’t throw them all in together or the colors will bleed and what was once pure and white is now sullied. Some things must be kept apart, some things put together, and you always … Continue reading →

Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae–I feel once more the scars of the old flame…

Posted on by

Most things for me, now, are in the context of being an HSP. My Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a brain architecture that will never change. It is part of me as much as DNA or eye color or ethnic origins. I know that one of my main weaknesses in this life, is that I don’t do well as a single person, and by extension, I don’t do well sexless. Those needs get in the way of my common sense in evaluating the character of some women. So I have been so bold as to place ads on adult sites, seeking … Continue reading →

Too Much World: A Look at Highly Sensitive People

Posted on by

In an article in Psychology Today,* I again found comfort in the knowledge that there are others like me out there, and my particular brand of weirdness is not “damage” but an inherent brain architecture I am born with. Just like others are born with blue eyes or musical ability.I speak of those in our species who live with Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which is the scientific term for this trait. More colloquially, it is known as HSP- Highly Sensitive Person, a collection of traits that was identified in pioneering research by Elaine Aron, PhD. Regarding the nature of HSP’s, Aron … Continue reading →

Mid-Life Crisis, Much?

Posted on by

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas If aging is hard for the average person, imagine how hard it is for someone who has no current social circle, no family, no children, who works at home, is an HSP, an atheist, and a single lesbian. The greatest of these challenges is, for me, being without a partner. I am not suited to singlehood. I hate everything about it. I need someone to cook dinner for when she comes home … Continue reading →

Creativity, Intelligence & Depressive Realism

Posted on by

 From a Facebook post i made, a thought-provoking subject emerged.  Jae Baeli : “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” ~ Ernest Hemingway Tina Harada likes this. Amanda Gulledge I frowned when I read that so I would feel more intelligent. Candace Lynn Breaux Is that why I am unhappy so much of the time? LOL Jae Baeli LOL. Amanda–you crack me up.Candy–probably, yes. Victoria Bard love it…so true! Sandi Partee hmmm…so does that mean I’m not intelligent? Cause I’m happy as a lark! LOL! I understand Sandi’s reply was meant lightly, but let me just address … Continue reading →

EXTENDED STRESS Hotel.

Posted on by

My Cherryot was loaded to capacity, with the things I thought I’d need for two months, until an apartment became available.   At Extended Stay, I checked in with desk clerk–started to unload, and had to take several things up first (5 trips in elevator) before I noticed that there was a luggage cart in front with a tattooed guy leaning on it talking to another guy. “Oh a luggage cart!” I said. “I need that.” He said he only had a couple of things and rushed off to get his task done so I could have it. Meantime, I … Continue reading →

Vamoosing

Posted on by

Suspended my Netflix account. Still packing, desperately needing boxes. Downstairs, I pulled up everything in that storage room, which was the contents brought so far from storage when I actually thought I was going to be living here permanently, and her mother had finally moved, so I could do that. But only after we had ripped up the carpet down there and cleaned the unbelievable nastiness her mother lived in. bleach fumes, up and down stairs, aching body. I realized I would have to leave some things behind because it wouldn’t fit in my car or in storage, and I … Continue reading →

Held by Jell-O

Posted on by

This is forced blogging. I am the forcer in that sentence. I am forcing myself to just type and see what comes out because the lack of writing is just so counter-intuitive and i fear it might have some adverse affect on my psyche. I have been in a funk. A writeless funk. I haven’t worked on any of my books in progress. I haven’t even blogged. Not because i have writer’s block–as I’ve said before, I don’t suffer from writer’s block, it suffers from me. This is about mood. I don’t FEEL like it. I don’t feel like writing. … Continue reading →

On the Heels of…

Posted on by

  I had a marathon conversation last night with an ex from 10 years ago; and reconnected with her (Terra), via something she came across in my blog. The last half of the conversation created a feeling of great discomfort for me–both then, and this morning. My dreams were filled with people from the past, and anxiety tinted the start of my day. I was aware that in this phone conversation, I had slipped back into old habits and patterns of response and emotion. Our conversation was triggering me like a pack of firecrackers. She is, at the moment, inextricably … Continue reading →

Anything But Zen

Posted on by

Disclaimer: This post in no way represents any doubt about what I believe as far as religion. This is just part of the journey when you seek the truth. Some of it will be hard for your emotional-self to assimilate. But I believe that solutions exist and writing about it, talking about it, is my way of finding those solutions. This morning, after letting my dog, Giz out, and making coffee, I went back and opened the door to call Giz in, and instead of his name I just shouted, “Helloooooo!” A sign of Ginkgo Biloba deprivation? Early onset Old-Timers … Continue reading →