I like cheap wine.

I like it because it costs less, and because it doesn’t have a cork. Corks have been notorious for wreaking havoc. Some have been known to cause temporary blindness, which is to be expected from a projectile made from the wood of a Portuguese oak tree.

And when I’m ready to have a glass of wine, i sure don’t want to work harder for it than your average Puma. I realize that maybe if I didn’t buy those cheap corkscrews, it wouldn’t be so hard to open a wine bottle, but that’s beside the point. As for flavor, I prefer sweet berry wines. The cheap ones. Again. I’ve tried Dom Perignon, and hated it. Glorified seltzer, that is. It is insulting to spend that much on something that tasted awful to me. Appearances aren’t worth the cash.

Some might accuse me of having an uneducated palate, but i didn’t see the sense in sending my palate to school, that costs money too. Thus, I also like things like Twinkies and Chick-O-Sticks. So my tastes are colored by an obvious and unwieldy poverty mentality. But I’d rather be poor and enjoy what I put in my mouth, than rich, and suffer through it. Especially for something as absurd as appearances.

So raise a glass with me: To cheap wine, Twinkies and Chick-O-Sticks!

I just dribbled cheap wine on my dirty T-Shirt.