My beloved and I have made this pact, starting yesterday, that we would pick a subject and blog it separately, just to see what each of us would come up with. My suggestion yesterday was “Are writers born or made?”

Hers, for today, was “Cows with Guns.” Guess which one of us is more cerebral, and which one the goob?

She also informed me that the title is from a song called “Cows with guns.” Who knew?

I didn’t even do any research on that one except to glance over a Wikipedia page and notice it was the title of some animated film from Australia. (I always hear that song by Men at Work “I come from the land down under…can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?? You better run, you better take cover….” –which is appropriate, if the thunder is a stampede of cows with guns. Taking cover WOULD be the wise course of action).

But I think I’m digressing. Or being parenthetical. Or Parenthetically digressive. I’m supposed to be writing about Cows with Guns, not Australian pop bands from the 80’s. [And by saying this, I’m dating myself. Good thing, since no one else is dating me.]

SIDEBAR: Note that the last statement was not parenthetical because the comment was in brackets. So I was being, at best, brackish.

And…..Back to Cows with Guns.

Right away, my steel-trap mind discerns a flaw in the logic. Cows have hooves. I fail to see the efficiency of firing a gun when you don’t have fingers. They would probably end up just throwing the gun at you. Which also might be hard when they couldn’t grip it, because, again, as i so astutely pointed out, they don’t have fingers. Which reminds me that Eddie Izzard said, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. And so do monkeys if they have guns.” {Eddie Izzard is a cross-dressing stand-up comic and actor who is British and probably doesn’t own a gun. Or a cow. But he was fantastic playing a non-crossdressing gypsy in The Riches. Minnie Driver was perfect as his wife, too. Of course the show was canceled because it was so good.}

And again….back to the Armed Cows…

Cows also have what is called dichromatic vision, which means they are more sensitive to sudden movement. This would be a bad state of affairs if they had guns. They’d be shooting at everything.

Because of this vision, cows also see well far away but not so well close up. So if there WERE Cows with Guns, (in some parallel universe for which there is no logical explanation) you’d be well-advised to stand really nearby, if you know what’s good for you.

So, in conclusion, the concept of cows with guns is UDDERLY absurd.