I wanted Chinese. Had a hankering, you might say. And i thought of how great it would be to go have Chinese with some new friend I’ve made. But they are all busy. I guess it will take longer than 10 days for me to get in sync with everyone else’s schedules here.

But i still craved Chinese.

So i went for Fast Chinese food At Panda Express.

I’ve never been to a fast food Chinese place before. Pretty cool. Like Subway. You tell them what you want and they put it in the box.

I had fried rice, orange chicken, honey walnut shrimp with crab rangoon with a side of sweet and sour sauce. It was pretty good. I watched a Netflix and ate in my recliner. It’s not so bad being alone when you have plenty of options. Like options for good food that you don’t have to drive an hour and a half to find. I adore eating out, because I’ve frankly had everything i can buy at the grocery, and I’m bored with it. I am hoping the groceries here are a little more diverse. I think it’s a getting older thing. You just get bored with things. It’s BTDT–Been There Done That syndrome.

My friend Veep says that she thinks it all comes down to food and sex. I’d venture to add another, and say it comes down to food and sex and purpose. Though i do believe your purpose must sometimes change.

My purpose has morphed repeatedly.
Here’s an explanatory snippet from a segment of my life:

First, my purpose was to walk again, regardless of what they told me my fate was.
Then it was to work on my writing skills in my spare time, and full-time, be the best singer-songwriter i could be and always try to put on a good show.
Then it was to get over my broken heart.
Then it was to finish writing all those books i started.
Then it was to find a way to enjoy food again.
Then it was to find a lifemate.
Then it was to get laid.
Then it was to be more social.
Then it was to write and find a lifemate.
Then it was to write and get laid.
Then it was to create art to distract me from the fact that i was bored with food, and couldn’t get laid.
Then it was to lose all this extra weight finally.
Then it was to find happiness.
Then it was to recover from my disc injury.
Then it was to move to Colorado.
Now, it is to write more books, create more art, record more music, be more social, get laid and find my lifemate.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. But i do see a pattern there. And it is about food (sometimes–because i love to eat out), and sex (because i always like to eat in–sorry, i could not let that one go), then it was, repeatedly, about purpose. Every single thing on that list was about purpose. Am I giving something to this world and the people in it? Is my life meaningful? Am I attractive, desirable? Am I worthy? Am i good? Boil all that down, and it is the gruel of Do I matter, or am I just disappearing?

It took me a while (too long) to figure out that I had painted myself into a corner. Now that I walked through that wet paint and traveled far enough for it to finally wear off my shoes, I’m standing here at the entrance to my new life, hoping I can finally have the things i long for, but never find.

They say that when you eat Chinese Food, you’re hungry an hour later. That’s my life. Momentary satisfaction, punctuated by long periods of hunger.

Oh, and that fortune cookie. Funny thing about that. That’s the fortune i got a few weeks ago, too. SO the first change for the better was moving, i suppose. The second–not sure yet.

Maybe that’s tomorrow. Can’t be as simple as dealing with old storage….gotta be more dramatic or romantic than that.

I suspect it’s not about what I’m doing, but who i run into along the way.

Let’s hope that’s not in the literal sense: I’m still learning to drive in big city traffic.