“Boy, you know, my butt really hurts…”

(we’re really close, but…did I say butt?) “Okaaayy…..”

“Yeah, I mean I went to the bathroom yesterday and–“

“Stop right there.”

“What?”

“I don’t think I want to hear this.”

“Oh, come on,” she said, “I’ve seen you naked.”

I rolled my eyes and allowed her to continue, although the seeing me naked thing was a long time ago, and, I didn’t feel, a sound enough argument.

“Well, I realized I was bleeding, and when I looked in the toilet–“

“Oh god,” I said, covering my eyes, and suffering through it.

“There was a whole peanut there.”

I uncovered my eyes and looked at her. “A whole peanut?”

“Yeah, here’s the thing: I had not eaten any peanuts recently, and even if I had, I know for a fact I chewed them up first, so how the hell did I have a whole peanut in there?”

I just started laughing.

“I mean, really.” She said. “How? How is that possible?”

I started singing ‘Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut, just now’...”

She hit me on the arm. “Shut up and tell me how there was a peanut in my poop…”

Then I started singing that old Barbara Mandrell song, but with different lyrics: “I was puttin’ peanuts in my pooop…i pooped some peanuts, when peanuts weren’t cooool…“

“I’m going to kill you where you stand. Please tell me why there–“

“I don’t know.”

“Well here’s my theory–“

She always has a theory.

“I think maybe the peanut came out of some fold in my colon.”

“A peanut fold?”

“Yeah.”

“Then how do you explain the fact that it was not chewed up?”

She thought about this for a nanosecond and then offered, “Well, now about a month ago, I had a bunch of peanuts in the shell, and was eating them.”

“You were eating them with the shells on?”

“No, I mean that’s the last time I had peanuts.”

“So, you’re saying this peanut was a month old?”

“It had to be. It’s the only peanuts I’ve had.”

“Well, there ya go…”

“No, but, it was a month ago! Where did it come from?”

“It came from that specialized peanut fold in your colon.”

“Oh,” she said.