I dreamed that there were two ridges rising up on my head, and I could swear they were moving or pulsing. When I would try to show them to someone, they would deflate. Here’s my self-analysis….I think I have a subconscious need to grow horns. Meaning, I am tired of always being the nice one, and sometimes I just want to be mean. But I can’t seem to do it. It takes a lot of provoking to get me to snap off. So the ridges on my head represented the horns I grow when I’m alone. And when I’m around other people, they go away. I was supposed to have plans tonight. (CAUTION: pity party). Seems everyone is so busy they can’t make time to do anything. It’s making it so hard to meet anyone. That’s about the 10th time since I moved here that I thought I was actually going to have a social life, and it just didn’t happen. It’s so hard to start over, and meet new people. I guess that’s why I was sort of counting on the ones I knew here to help me with that transition…be my guide, chaperon, introduce me to people, etc. That didn’t happen either. So I’m thrown in the deep end of the pool again (thanks DAD for THAT memory. Not). I guess I will just have to swim until I can stand up again. It’s not like I haven’t done that scenario a hundred times. Funny, because today, I grew some horns just for a second, but they were soft, and then deflated, and then I just let myself tear up and cry for a few minutes. It was an honest-to-psych pity party. But I just don’t let them last very long. I do let myself feel what i feel though. Pretending i don’t is just counter-productive.
Let me just illustrate how well i understand myself: Yesterday, I went to Best Buy and meant to spend about $50 and instead spend $222. (okay, that’s not the understand-myself part); I had one of those moments where I was just sick and tired of having 40-eleven VHS tapes taking up much needed storage space in my home (and fearful some stuff would be lost when the tapes began to disintegrate). I was transferring videos and sharing some on Facebook. Watching these memories from a certain time in my life that was filled with social activity and approval and love, it jiggled something loose in my psyche–that I have missed that life so much, and have been lonely so long, and moved here to take care of that, but nothing has changed in that regard yet. And the postponed date I had tonight** incited a more acute reaction than would be reasonable, because all those videos stirred up a past where I was social, and did have people in my life who loved me, whom I could reach out and touch because they were right there–not on a computer screen, a text screen, or a phone line. I know I crave interaction that’s more tactile, more present.
Now, I know intellectually, that things don’t always happen immediately. You can’t just buy a packet of “Social Life Deluxe” and add water. But being reminded of what I need and want, and then realizing I don’t have it, threatened to throw me into an emotional tailspin. All I can say is, I always manage to pull up before I crash. So here I am, leveling off my flight pattern again, and hoping that at some point I’ll get to land.
*ART: Butcher Boys by Jane Alexander (1985). An exhibit at the South African National Gallery in Cape Town.
**The woman was VERY sweet about it, though, so I don’t blame her.And we are rescheduling for Wednesday.