I saw a few commercials about it, and found myself warming to the idea. But not so long ago, I thought it was the most bizarre practice I’d ever heard of. I was afraid to visit a European country for fear I would be forced to take part in this cleansing ritual.

Now, I’m a big proponent of cleanliness, but there are some concepts that are foreign to me. I just didn’t think I could ever get used to the idea of sitting on a toilet and having my genitals accosted by a stream of water.

By now I guess it’s clear I’m referring to a bidet.

If it’s not clear by now, then I’m sure you’re a little perturbed.

Those darn late night commercials. If I had a credit card with a huge limit, I’d be very dangerous. By now, I would own a convection oven, Nathan’s Reversible Stovetop Grill, A Tempur-Pedic Nasa-developed foam bed, a Food Saver Vac, and a Mini Steam Zapper, and a Magic Bullet mixer…at the very least….

I saw an infomercial about a Bidet toilet, and made another of my frequent Ebaying excursions, wondering if there was a less expensive alternative. I typed in “Bidet.” Lo and behold (all Ebayers say that at one time or another, and usually outloud, even though they are generally alone in a room with a computer and no friends or social life)-but, anyway, Lo and Behold! A Bidet conversion kit. I could attach this thing to my own toilet and have the benefit of hygienic cleansing all the time! And it was a two for one special. So rather than bid, I just opted for Buy it Now and got the set. Wouldn’t this be a fantastic Christmas gift for me and my best friend? I mean, who else would buy her a Bidet? Who else would be thinking about her genital hygiene? Isn’t that what best friends are for? (Don’t answer that.)

Anyway, a short time later, the contraptions were delivered and I set about installing mine, so I would know how to install hers for her. Won’t she be thrilled. Won’t the caroling be fine?

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
I’ve got a Bidet…
Now my nether regions
Are nice and clean today, hey!

Determined to assemble and attach the thing without assistance, I gathered my tools and read the instructions. Long moments later, I discovered that the coupling I was to use, meant the tubing behind the toilet had to be cut to a shorter length. I did so, and got it all hooked up, and when I tested it, realized the hose was leaking and I had no rubber gasket on hand. Then I realized that I couldn’t put the toilet back the way it was because I had shortened the original hose. This was the only toilet I had. Wouldn’t that be an entertaining conversation with the landlord? “I need another piece of toilet tubing until I get a gasket for my Bidet hose…yes, a Bidet. Yes, I’m squirting water on my private parts and no I’m not a weirdo.” (not everyone is as worldly as I had just become).

It was midnight and all local stores that carried things like gaskets and washers were closed. I’d have to improvise.

I wound up cutting a piece off a rubber plug that was meant to go in the bottom of a piggy bank. But it was just the right size and I managed to eliminate the leak.

I was so proud of myself. I couldn’t wait to drop my pants and try it out.

The first thing I noticed was that the trajectory of the stream was a little off, and I gave myself a mini-enema. The second thing I noticed was that the water was cold. Not quite as luxurious as the Bidet Toilet that had warm water and a blow-dryer built in.

It took some getting used to. It was the price I paid for the price I paid. The cheaper Bidets did not have warm water; and I would still have to pat dry with tissue, because the cheaper ones also did not have a convenient blowdryer.

I finally got it working sufficiently, and used it several times before going to sleep, feeling just a little wicked, and a great deal more hygienic.

I went to bed early that morning, and was awakened four hours later by my best friend who dropped by for a visit and used her key to come in and bring me a croissant.

My sleepy brain finally kicked in and I realized I could not hide the Bidet on my toilet and I had already told her I got the same gift for both of us. And the Bidet was the only new thing. She’d notice, of course, and then the surprise would be ruined.

She eventually went to the bathroom and I waited. After a few minutes I heard her exclaim, “Oh, my God!” and she was laughing.

When she came out of the bathroom, she had a huge wet spot on the front of her pants. I was confused. Did she sit the wrong way on the toilet? Did she somehow manage to relieve herself without removing her pants?

Seems she had noticed the activation lever on the toilet when she stood up to flush, and pushed it, dousing herself with the stream of water coming from the Bidet nozzle located just below the toilet seat, pointing forward.

“Why in the world did you stand facing it and push the lever?” I laughed.

“I didn’t know it was a bidet, I thought it was some new gadget you had that sprayed that blue stuff in the bowl,” she said.

This was not how I pictured her enjoying her Bidet.