Last night, I spent three solid hours just trying to play a game to relax. But the game wouldn’t download. then it would download but wouldn’t work. Then my screen would jiggle and shake and look like nuclear radiation was nearby. Then every conceivable blockade would happen, to keep me from getting to that relaxing gameplay.

I said, “Honey? Is Mercury in retrograde?

“Yes, actually.”

“I’ll be damned.”

I’ve never given astrological powers much credence. It’s hard for me to imagine how the constellations and the heavenly bodies have any bearing on how my life goes–how clumsy I am, how lucky I am, how my love life is going. And yet, every time I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get something on my computer to work over and over, and everything that can go wrong, does go wrong, it seems that Mercury is in retrograde.

Everytime communication sucks with other people, the Internet goes down repeatedly, all mechanical objects stop working, Every time I suddenly fall down and get 6 different injuries, Mercury is in retrograde.

Every. Damn. Time.

What’s a scientifically minded person to do?

My inclination is to shelter-in-place and wait for it to be over.

Right now, I’m lying in bed, with ice packs. Okay, one clay ice pack, the rest are frozen spinach and frozen blueberries. These packs are on my leg, my finger, my shoulder and my back. There’s a brace on my left ankle. Nerve pains jangling in my healed surgery scar. All because I had a really stupid slip and fall while leaning inside the backseat of the truck. Just leaning in there, fetching bungees, and the bungee gets caught, I lose my balance, my foot slips on the wet running board outside and I slide painfully down the side of the truck. Big knot on my pinky, knot on my shin, wrenched back and my shoulder pulled too painfully far from its socket. And in sliding down, I scrape my newly healed surgery scar.

Did I mention I was only leaning inside the back door of the truck?

Oh, and now I’m having an allergy attack. Did you know that sneezing is terrible for a wrenched back?

It’s time I just faced the truth. The truth I can’t seem to explain, nor find any scientific evidence for.

I’m Mercury’s bitch.