Okay, so this last July, i met this woman online from Topeka. She had been an actress in LA a few years ago, nothing huge, just bit parts and commercials. She did have a speaking role in The Bachelor. Anyway, we emailed and talked on the phone a few times, and then planned to meet. She drove down one weekend to my house. That’s the bad part about long distance dating– especially when you first meet someone. It’s inevitable that they will be at your house, or you at theirs for a day or two. This can lead to all kinds of complications, and i have written about that, quite a bit…anyway.

She arrived, and the first RED FLAG was that she got out of her SUV, and began unloading her luggage. She had one of those huge bags on rollers with a handle, an overnight bag, and a couple of hangers with clothes. I thought “Damn, is she moving in?” She was only to be here two days!

So i greeted her, and helped her carry her BAGGAGE in.

The second RED FLAG was that she didn’t look much like the pictures she sent me. Quite a bit heavier, for one thing, but i overlooked that, if only because i had learned she used to be a BBW, and had lost about a hundred pounds. Soon, we were on our way to Dixon street to go have dinner. I noticed this odd discomfort with her. Like, i didn’t have anything to say. (not usual for me). I was getting this weird vibe. After dinner, we went down the street to Willy D’s, a piano bar.We ordered drinks, and then soon the entertainment started. What i had in mind was some soft Billy Joel-type thing in the background, so we could have a conversation. What we got was a roomful of drunk college kids and a guy and girl playing dueling pianos like it was some Broadway show. So we spent a lot of time leaning over to talk, and shouting over the music. Sometimes the leaning over part is okay, if there’s a spark-factor, but for me, there wasn’t. Still, i soldiered on, because i thought maybe we could at least be friends.

As the evening wore on, i kept getting this weird vibe. Now, part of that is that i am very empathic and a person’s energy is something i FEEL. So i just thought maybe we were off in that department. Eventually, we made our way back home, and there was that inevitable awkwardness. I decided we should keep drinking.

She had brought vanilla vodka and had that with Coke, and i had a raspberry twisted. We sat on the sofa and talked, and the more we did that, the more i knew she had a screw loose. She talked about herself a lot, as in how many famous people she knew, how great an actress she was, how most other actresses sucked, and so on.

I suggested that we watch some short films i had on DVD, that i hadn’t watched yet, and soon she was asking for my massage skills…i knew what that meant. I do give massages every now and then, and have a massage table in the guest room. But the last thing i wanted to do was have my hands on her, rubbing warm oil around….so i told her my hands were bothering me, because i had been giving lots of massages. She took that as her cue to RUB MY HANDS. She reached for one, and i jerked it back like I’d touched a preheated stove.

Finally, i acquiesced, feeling it couldn’t be that bad. But of course, then she wanted to touch me in other places, and I’m sure she was at least a few times trying to line herself up for a kiss. I avoided that like a flesh eating virus.

She was knocking back the vodka pretty good, and getting a bit tipsy. The more she drank, the more obnoxious and loud she got. She would stand in front of the television, while the movie was playing and talk talk talk…gesticulating and offering criticism of various actors, directors, scripts, etc.

Add to that, the fact that she was 38, and had told me she’d only had sex with ONE person, one time, and I was really clear that there was a pertinent reason. Between her personality and her fucked up energy, I’m sure plenty of women have felt what i was feeling from her…and knew better than to entertain the idea of intimate relations with her.

I announced that the coolers were going straight through me, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I stood in there, leaning against the door and feeling so uncomfortable that i thought my head would explode. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own home, and never felt so trapped either. She wasn’t leaving until the next day.

Long story short, I couldn’t wait to get her out of my house. I can’t even be friends with someone like that, much less date them.

And i never did figure out what she must have packed in all those suitcases.