Okay. I guess I’m being too hard core.
Someone told me I’m being judgmental and imposing my opinions. I just know what i know and believe what i believe and feel passionately about it…it is not my intention to make anyone feel they can’t speak their mind or have a differing opinion and i hope that’s clear–if it’s not, know it NOW. I am interested in engaging in thoughtful discourse, growing, learning, supporting and learning to communicate with each other.
And regarding this monogamy subject, i am still deciding where the lines are…like, is it okay to hug and touch and maybe do a little bump and grind to someone in a bar? is that over a line? I’m not sure. Maybe.(And why can we do that if there’s music playing, but it’s inappropriate if it’s not?) Anyway, I don’t do that very often. So i haven’t thought about it a lot. But as far as monogamy and our romantic/sexual/intimate behavior inside that is concerned, I do believe that Commitment Implies Exclusivity. That’s the main point. And i think that discussing it is healthy for all of us. I hope everyone still knows that you are all entitled to your own opinions, even if they differ from mine. I’m just passionate.
I had a real event take place about 8 years ago, and someone asked me about that…so i’ll share it…
I was at a party given by my friend and her girlfriend at their house. My friend took me to a back room where she had her artwork, so i could see some recent paintings…the conversation somehow ended up with us doing some playful wrestling, ending up on the bed, and she landed on top of me and kissed me. It lasted maybe 4-5 seconds. I wasn’t expecting it at all.
Afterward i said “What the hell are you doing?” That’s when she said she had always wanted to kiss me.
I said, “You have a girlfriend!” (and the girlfriend was in the house along with a bunch of other women).
She told me that her gf had given her permission to kiss whomever she wanted as long as that’s all it was, because this friend really had some kind of thing about being able to kiss women if she was attracted to them…she had only had one 3month relationship with one woman before this current girlfriend, and at the time they had been together about 5 years i think. maybe longer. So i had this moment when i thought “I guess it’s ok…” but then it still bothered me. It never happened again, and this woman and i are still friends—for a total of maybe 12 years.
So i didn’t exactly give permission for this kiss, and i was shocked by it. But even then, i felt bad. But i did deal with that confusion of “what if it’s okay with the girlfriend?”
So this friend i was talking to today also asked this: what if i was in a bar, dancing and drinking and met this girl whom i was attracted to and this girl kissed me, and then we wound up going home and sleeping together…and then i found out afterward she had a girlfriend. What would i do?
Well first, i would not have done anything UNSAFE. I have to make that clear at the outset.
But then i would admonish myself for not getting to know her better before making a decision to be sexual, and then I would admonish her for not telling me. And i probably wouldn’t be able to be friends with her, because there’s an honesty/trust issue there and i can’t always wonder if my friends or dates or gf’s are lying to me. And frankly, i don’t like having people in my life who think it’s okay to be dishonest. I got rid of the toxic people in my life a long time ago and i intend to keep it that way, IT just causes chaos and drama and stress. It was one of the healthiest decisions i’ve made for myself.