Figs From Hell

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

or FIGtastropheorThe 7th Circle of Hell is Full of Figs and I Can’t FIG-ure It Out It was supposed to be a simple process. My friend, Justice Harlow, drew a logo for someone. A company called The Hairy Fig. We were going to scan the drawings and then import them from the scanner to Paint Shop Pro, where I would resize them according to the needs for the website, and for business cards. Somewhere in the middle of all this, something went terribly wrong.It began when my friend asked me to place all the large versions of the 4 different … Continue reading →

The 11th Hour

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

(the Persistence of Screaming ©Jae Baeli) Sept 8thIn a few short days, the 2nd anniversary will be upon us. The Eleventh hour of the 11th. Media, et al, is buzzing about the likelihood of some other attack on us by terrorists. I am apprehensive as well. It makes me angry at them and angry at an administration that mismanaged things from the start. Now the Village Idiot who usurped the Throne–the one we call our President–asks for huge amounts of money to try to clean up the mess; to fund the rebuilding of their “infrastructure.” Well, we have some sorry … Continue reading →

The Pusher

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Certain people…why do they vex me so much? My most vexing personality type is the PUSHER. They suck the juice out of my brain and it is just so tired…. Recently, I had an unusually taxing experience with the Pusher…I had to keep reiterating that my response in a situation was about BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE! I wanted to get some some facts straight: I am not her My brain is not her brain My particular needs for balance and harmony are not hers. I was not angry that she spilled tea on my desk–I recognized that was … Continue reading →

Mississippi: First Circle of Hell?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Mississippi just might be the first Circle of Hell. The heat and humidity here is oppressive, to say the least. I can always get a derisive laugh out of locals when i say, “When’s it going to snow?” I admit, i had some preconceived notions about moving to a coastal area. Most of those notions were probably based on movies I’ve seen like Sleepless in Seattle. Important distinction here: that’s the Pacific Northwest, this is the Southern Gulf. I’ve noticed that when people talk about living “bi-coastal,”they are obviously leaving out the THIRD coast. The U.S. is really tri-coastal. The … Continue reading →

Vaudeville Mantis, Finals & A Severed Finger

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I DREAMED there was this Praying Mantis who was the size of one of those anti-theft steering wheel “clubs.” This Mantis could sing and dance like a seasoned vaudevillian…. I came around a corner in this building and saw him and was flabbergasted. He was singing “My Way.” All I could think about was getting to my camera so I could return and capture this once-in-a-lifetime event… When i returned, camera in hand, the Vaudeville Mantis had gone; witnesses pointed around the corner, and I found him there, smaller, not singing and not dancing…a regular mantis…i was so mad. No … Continue reading →

Mississippi Bites

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Four days ago, i was bitten by something. I assume it was some sort of spider…but thankfully, not the kind that sends you to the E.R. with nausea and anaphylactic shock, and not the kind that rots a big hole in your skin like something out of a bad horror movie. But toxic enough to be painful, cause swelling and prevent the use of my right hand for four days. The bubble that formed had the consistency of a water balloon. Then the bubble began to spread out the next day until my whole hand was swollen. It felt like … Continue reading →

Chess For Sex

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Chess for sex is so much better than strip-poker. It’s a blending of the intellectual with emotion, competition with the carnal. Even though i lost, i really won, because chess-partner took mercy on me and let me have the consolation prize: which was the same as the winning prize. And it was great. I found myself driving to her house with an excitement and glee I had not expereinced in some time. And I also find myself taking online chess lessons, now, because i don’t know if the mercies will be extended next time i lose.

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Monster Under the Bed

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

When I was a child, I experienced a common phobia regarding the “creature under the bed”…when getting into bed at night, I’d turn out the light and run across the room, jumping onto the bed, careful not to get my vulnerable, little-girl feet next to the opening beneath it. This was so nothing could grab me. Now that i am an adult, my phobias are much more mature. Now, when i go to the bathroom at night, i always turn the light on so i don’t sit on the toilet in the dark and not see the awful creature that … Continue reading →

Door Christians

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Well here’s my latest little adventure…I’m one of those people who has to have a certain amount of control over my environment to be happy. When that gets disrupted, it fucks with my Chi, as I like to say. As a songwriter, I often spend long hours working on tracking my music in my home studio. I was in the middle of recording a new song and had already started over twice, and really had it going good this time when…. …there was a knock at the door. My dog, Giz, went to barking, (‘Cause it fucks with his Chi, … Continue reading →

Jenfu

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

The Internet can be such a treasure chest. Amid my brief excursions into dictionaries and reference materials for my writings, i stumble on little gems that make me feel so fortunate. Not a Fountain of Youth, but maybe a fountain of comfort, entertainment, moments of peace or camaraderie. One of those pearls is an online journal by a young woman with the moniker, JENFU. I read her entries, and i feel inspired, hopeful, understood–jealous; i feel i want to know what she looks like, to put a face to the writing, i want to be her best friend. I eat … Continue reading →

Breath of Life

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I am fascinated by the unknowable. Some people spend their whole lives saying “I Don’t Know” to those esoteric questions that arise. Me, I like to explore the issue and come to some sort of conclusion. It’s that propensity I have to bring order to the chaos. That’s another reason why all my bathroom accouterments are neatly stored in transparent shoe bags on the wall…. One monstrous “unknowable” is the question of when our souls enter our bodies. When does a life become something more than a tumor on life support, and instead a human complete with its own soul? … Continue reading →

Dreams, Nicole Kidman, & The Path Not Taken

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I actually remembered a dream his morning, First time in, what? A year? Two? A long time. Anyway, I dreamed that LS and I were in Eureka Springs, and she was at the corner of my desk, using my phone, and that corner of space, like she tends to do. . . and she was trying to get hold of Nicole Kidman, who was in town. It was like an assignment-as if she was working for a local paper or something. She wanted to interview her. She had the number to her hotel room. I said, “You can’t just call … Continue reading →

One Thing After Another

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

The bird, the partner, the dog, the Fed Ex lady, coffee… Status quo. My cockatiel, Bingo, lives in a huge “condo” cage with every toy and snack and luxury a bird could want. But she begins to shriek as soon as daylight hits the windows, her nocturnal sleeping clock disengaged by sunshine. My usual groggy reprimands, like, “Bingo, hush” and “Bingo, shut up!” and “Goddamn it, Bingo!” don’t help. But you know, i just always hope i won’t have to get up. She wants out of her cage so she can perch on my shoulder, leave lots of poopie on … Continue reading →

Stood Up Like a Chump

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I spent two days preening myself. I plucked, and shaved and used cleansers, emollients, lotions, oils, facial masks, lotions for puffy eyes. I wore a $300 suit, and was so excited about the evening. It was to be a double date with my best friend and her new girlfriend. Then i got stood up. Humiliation. Sadness. New Year’s eve and i felt like a big fat chump. So the last thing i wanted the next day was to tag along with my best friend and her girlfriend. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. I climbed … Continue reading →

Krispy Kreme Persuasion

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

So there was this whole big box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts on the counter. And she said she didn’t really care for custard filled doughnuts, and that’s what was left. That box was taking up lots of counter space, just to house that one custard filled doughnut. And it’s not like I’m not on my way to Wal-Mart to buy Metamucil and Slimfast. I have to do that because I have to fit my fat ass into some nice clothes for our relocation information trip to Eureka Springs in a couple weeks. And I can’t show up hoping to apply … Continue reading →