In regard to my previous post “The First Idiot & His Right-Hand Dick”…. I have given friends a heads-up. I told them that if I disappear, they’ll know who’s responsible. The Secret Service.
I want to know: How come they call it the Secret Service, when we all know about it?
So I have two things on my side: First, those guys in suits with a somber expression and a wire coming out of their ear and always speaking into their cufflink–Could they BE any more conspicuous? And they often wear these vests that say right there across the front, “Secret Service.” Are we supposed to pretend we can’t read?
So…this Secret Service thing…do the members of this elite bodyguard squad have to lie to their families? Like, “Honey, what exactly IS your job? What do you do every day?”
“I’m in the service industry….”
“What kind of service?”
“I can’t tell you, it’s a secret. If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” (I added that last bit because I know people expect to hear it. It’s all James-Bond-Romantical.)
Second, I do know they usually abduct people in the middle of the night. (I know this because I watch movies about it, and you can’t get a more reliable source than Hollywood). But see, what they don’t know is that I’m usually awake in the middle of the night. If they really want to catch me by surprise, they’ll sneak in during THE DAY.
Either way, I’ll be waiting for them, and when they creep into my room, I’ll whip out my squirt gun filled with Absorbine Jr, and then my OTHER squirt gun with warm water, and aim at the same places.
They’ll be so uncomfortable with THAT burn, that they’ll retreat and make another plan.
But so will I.
Now, of course, I realize they might be reading THIS TOO…but they don’t know whether I’m leaving misinformation either…maybe I’m planting red herrings. Maybe I’m not even who I say I am. Maybe that picture on this blog is not a picture of me. Maybe I’m not even female. Or gay.
Okay, yeah. I AM gay.