SP: hi…how was your day today?
jaebaeli: rather dull, but got some stuff done. how about you?
SP: pretty good i guess..i am going to wrop xmas presents tonight..
jaebaeli: don’t get a paper cut
SP: ill try not to.
jaebaeli: i have an Elk roast in the crockpot
jaebaeli: never made one before
SP: cool…what time is dinner??
jaebaeli: i think it’ll take a while
jaebaeli: maybe lunch tomorrow! not sure -it’s pretty big
SP: did you write today?
jaebaeli: my crock pot is actually too small for it
jaebaeli: i’ve got it crammed in there
jaebaeli: (a little–mostly editing)
SP: no room for carrots?..bummer
jaebaeli: yeah i know
jaebaeli: after it cooks, i may have to cut it in half and add stuff and cook some more
jaebaeli: but it was frozen so i didnt’ have much choice
SP: it may smoosh in there better when it thaws.
SP: you know…im still pretty sad about you……i think i just set myself up for disappointment. i need to cut that crap out.
jaebaeli: yeah- i’ve been guilty of that myself
jaebaeli: you still consider me friend-material?
SP: yes…herein lies the problem
jaebaeli: you have a hard time making a transition to platonic?
jaebaeli: in any way
SP: historically – hit and miss.
SP: i am having a hard time getting out of this funk… I was/am smitten..very disappointed…lots of potential …you know.
SP: honestly, you are the first person i have been around in two years that I could actually have an intellectual conversation with…
SP: plus the ‘smitten’ factor.
SP: I think that this will probably be the last go around for me with this dating thing.
jaebaeli: Poor thing–conversation is so important…well yeah in many ways, there was potential. but gotta have the spark. I do anyway. I felt you moving pretty fast emotionally. but i understand you were just ready to find “the one”–we all are.
jaebaeli: don’t give up
jaebaeli: it could just mean that there’s someone right around the corner
SP: doubt that.
jaebaeli: i’ve been right where you are and said the same things. but be a POSSIBILITY THINKER, girl
jaebaeli: you have so much to give the right one
SP: Im just not up for it anymore.
jaebaeli: well not right now maybe. but you’ll get the wind back in your sails
SP: its not worth the emotional bullshit.
jaebaeli: we knew each other “two minutes” as you said
SP: I dont have any desire to even be attracted to anyone..too scary anymore.
jaebaeli: don’t wimp out!
SP: I think I am going to go get a couple of cats and start working on the ‘crazy old lesbain in the woods with 50 cats thing’
jaebaeli: nothing worth having is easy to get
SP: does that apply to you?
jaebaeli: loaded question, that
SP: does it?
jaebaeli: well i’d like to think i’m not EASY.
jaebaeli: intellectual things aside, my heart wants what it wants
SP: i guess i just dont understand how we could be getting along so famously (at least i thought so) and be afforded such a small window of opporutnity with you…like it is all or nothing in 48 hours.
jaebaeli: well, i wanted to give the SPARK a chance. but i know pretty quickly when i meet someone if i feel romantic toward them
jaebaeli: but there was all that other stuff we had that was good, so i let it ride
jaebaeli: it just didn’t stop on my number that’s all
jaebaeli: forgive the roulette wheel analogy
SP: and that’s it? no other options?
SP: I am surprised that you think that way
jaebaeli: well isn’t that the first and foremost thing when you want a romantic/partner relationship? having those feelings?
jaebaeli: if you have that, then you can explore the other stuff usually
jaebaeli: but that’s the starting point for me
jaebaeli: i’ve had relationships with women i was not attracted to./
jaebaeli: i don’t want that anymore
jaebaeli: that’s always been missing
SP: i think that there is a good chance that you could ‘sort’ some very good possibilies out of your life with that limitation..that it should be immediate huge attraction…it sounds like you need a fairy tale.
jaebaeli: Look, i know myself very well, and i am not confused about what i want, and i simply won’t settle anymore. I don’t want “good possibility”–i want the real deal, and if i can’t have it, i’ll just not have a partner. This is a very personal decision and you can’t pretend to know me so well that you can criticize me for it.
jaebaeli: i’ve had enough relationships to know if it’s got the romantic possibilities–regardless of the other things. The other things are also friend-things. So i don’t ever feel i’ve lost by allowing something to be platonic
jaebaeli: i’ve been very honest with you
jaebaeli: more than i had to be
jaebaeli: that’s how i do things
jaebaeli: we both had needs and we both felt okay filling them with each other
jaebaeli: but that doesn’t mean it has to be love
jaebaeli: it just means we’re grownups and can do what grownups do–just like you said
jaebaeli: i wouldn’t have been with you if i didn’t like you a lot
jaebaeli: but it became increasingly clear that i did not feel what i needed to feel to take it into a comitted, romantic relationship
jaebaeli: when i figured that out i told you.
jaebaeli: EVERY SINGLE TIME i’ve felt that spark, i felt it the SECOND i met someone.
jaebaeli: it’s chemical
jaebaeli: it’s not something i have control over
jaebaeli: we are all hard-wired in a certain way
jaebaeli: i don’t know what else i can say to you about this. I’ve been clear, and honest and i’ve handled it fairly, and like an adult.
jaebaeli: It’s not a make-wrong
jaebaeli: my type is just my type
jaebaeli: this is an issue you might want to explore with yourself–it’s causing you a great deal of grief
SP: Ill take that into consideration…thanks!
jaebaeli: this is just a little intense for the short time we’ve known each other. I care about you and i think you’re a lovely person, but it just seems like you’re feeling an unusual amount of emotion, here.
jaebaeli: why can’t you just move on- and be okay with it? things don’t always work out like we have it in our heads.
jaebaeli: that’s just the way it is.
SP: consider it done.
jaebaeli: ok- now what does that mean?
SP: moving on…
SP: not too worry…you wont hear of this from me again.
SP: apparently, the feelings that you say you have a right to have are ok..but if someone else (me) would happen to feel that spark – it would be termed as ‘an unusual amount of emotion’. but hey, i can deal with it…
jaebaeli: i said SPARK
jaebaeli: not LOVE
jaebaeli: you’re starting to sound like a teenager
jaebaeli: come on!
jaebaeli: it’s HOW YOU”RE DEALING WITH THAT FEELING
jaebaeli: that’s what i’m referring to
jaebaeli: i had this feeling for someone recently, and knew they couldn’t return that–so now we’re friends. and i’m fine with that./
jaebaeli: i’m worried about the way you PROCESS things
jaebaeli: i felt that too with Justice, when she didn’t anymore. i processed it. now she’s my best friend and all that evolved for me.
jaebaeli: but the first one was TWO YEARS, the other was THREE
jaebaeli: not a couple of weeks
jaebaeli: do you see how strange/unhealthy this amount of emotion in you sounds?
SP: that would be me…strange and unhealthy.
jaebaeli: oh stop it
jaebaeli: sarcasm is not the tactic right now
jaebaeli: i’m sorry you’re hurting right now, but you can’t dump that all on me. You’re the only one responsible for your own emotions.
jaebaeli: i have done nothing wrong
jaebaeli: and i won’t let you make it about me
jaebaeli: i’m sorry things have been reduced to this sort of thing. i have to go. I wish you the very best of everything.
SP: Jae…you are the one that has been talking…i have only made a couple of statements
jaebaeli: you’ve said plenty, believe me.
jaebaeli: i don’t like this side of you very much.
jaebaeli: it’s a little scary.
SP: please accept my sincere apologies. I am just struggling here just a little, but as I said, I wont bring this up to you again…i can do that for sure…
SP: I really want to be friends with you on some level.
SP: i think your a great/fun person…
SP: I will spend some time working through this
SP: i know you think im probably koo koo…but thats really not the case Jae.
jaebaeli: my impression is that you’re struggling A LOT…and you’re scaring me a little. I wanted us to be friends. You will have to work this out in your head somehow…
jaebaeli: honestly, i’m not sure what to make of it./
jaebaeli: but take some time with it.
SP: I think that your impression that im struggling a lot would be an overstatement.
jaebaeli: i don’t agree
jaebaeli: your words are bitter
SP: as I said I wont bring this up again. you can count on it… I most always do what I say I will.
jaebaeli: you seem to have a problem accepting the conclusions i’ve made for myself. You keep trying to change my mind or find some kind of hope for something i’ve clearly told you isn’t going to happen for me.
jaebaeli: i feel you’re pushing
jaebaeli: and then you add bitterness and sarcasm–it makes me want to run screaming in the opposite direction
SP: i hear you.
SP: Im sorry…and it wont happen again. that is not who i am nor who i want to be.
jaebaeli: i hope that’s true
SP: you will see.
SP: i do what i say. always.
SP: so..maybe you can give me a break and let me make another attempt at this.. I am far from perfect…but .I know I would enjoy being your friend.
SP: and you can ask my other friends…i make a good one.
jaebaeli: i don’t know how to respond to you right now. but i’m not in the habit of discarding people.
SP: obviously, this is your call..
SP: The last thing i want to do is cause you a bunch of bullshit grief for god sake. Im sorry that I tried to talk through this with you…as usual, i should have kept my mouth shut.
jaebaeli: No–i think i’m just not the person you should have talked this through WITH, precisely because i’m involved.
jaebaeli: you need objectivity.
SP: I am certainly capable of ‘processing’ this alone…been there …done that. I probably do need objectivity…
jaebaeli: talk to one of your longtime trusted friends
jaebaeli: they’re not in the middle of it
SP: Im just trying to understand Jae – thats all. We wont talk about it anymore..
jaebaeli: i think i’ve been clear. i don’t know what else i can say.
SP: i hope you can understand just a little.
jaebaeli: of course i understand.
SP: you don’t have to say anything else…and i wont ask. i get it.
jaebaeli: i’m not the one who needs to understand–YOU ARE.
SP: i get it
SP: are you freaking out over there?
jaebaeli: not exactly chillin’
SP: well…again I suck i guess…. Im going to say im sorry again and get out of here..
SP: like i said…i get it…and I wont bring it up again.
SP: still want to be a friend of some sort.
SP: its up to you…or i can disappear.
jaebaeli: let’s just let it ride..see how things go.
SP: i dont want to have another conversation with you that is upsetting…thats for sure.
SP: (for you)
jaebaeli: me either
SP: your too much fun for that!
jaebaeli: i’m about at my limit right now.
SP: me too…its no fun.
SP: so…im not going there anymore
SP: take care!…