In my experiments with the Law of Attraction, I have been putting forth the intention of knowing and/or recognizing who my perfect partner is by how I feel, since that is both THE strongest and MY strongest sense that connects me to Higher Self and truth, and because it is connected to those brain chemicals that so often deny me the falling-in-love experience. I also know that it is a way for me to recognize my kindreds, as I resonate well only with those who are on a similar path and want similar things
That said, I am feeling something inexplicable with this Beautiful Blogist I’ve begun to know, since we began our exchange of ideas. I did not expect this “knowing” to be present in a virtual way—I thought it could only happen in person—and maybe that’s true, and this is something else I’m feeling; like Hope, wishful thinking, or superimposing my intentions and needs onto the first person who seems to resonate with me on some meaningful level.
I did notice that last night I remembered I had a little time left on my personals membership and I ought to use it to find a date, but the whole time I was scrolling through and reading profiles, I kept thinking “They are not her.”. . .odd.
So maybe it is that I just want to find my perfect partner, and I hope that The Beautiful Blogist is it, because I already feel so connected to her psychologically, emotionally and spiritually, and those are the most important things to me in a partnership. I have to say that her intelligence and her depth is not only engaging, but an aphrodisiac. Intelligence is sexy to me…and so I can’t help it that she’s so smart…
Yet, I have had two experiences in meditation that I cannot explain—this presence of her, this joy, this ability to lose myself in that moment, created in my resting consciousness. I had gone into the first meditation with an intention to still my mind and not do the usual manifesting I do. I went in it intending to allow the Universe to tell me something I need to know, with no preconceived notion of what that would be. . .I was being open for information. . .and when I spent the first few moments releasing the intruding, controlling thoughts, I reached a place where I could be quiet. . .I just listened to the CD of a thunderstorm and focused on that, keeping my mind clear. . .
. . .then I started getting snapshots which were speeding up into an almost-video (I am usually not visual enough to maintain clear, video-like images) and these speedy snapshots were of me and someone—I could not see her face, but I could FEEL her—sharing an intimate bonding moment where we were laughing and talking and flirting and just being together. . . and we were expressing our love physically soon and it was such a beautiful, profound merging of two souls, that I was rapt with wonder. . .it was like I wanted to unzip her and climb inside, and I wanted her to do the same. . .I wanted to merge with her, and I could not get close enough.
When I came out of my trance, I felt this rare joy and there were tears rolling down my face.
The second time, the next night, again open only for information, and expecting something entirely different than the night before, it was like some fantasy of our first kiss. And it was her. Not a faceless, nameless person. . .but HER. The Beautiful Blogist. When our lips met I felt that electrical charge that I hadn’t felt in more than 10 years. . . the feeling I thought had been removed from my experience forever. It was there with her, and I knew I was about to fall headlong into a searing, profoundly beautiful love affair.
Was this the answer to my questions? Was it the Universe playing some cruel joke on me? or was this telling me I will find the one I seek? Or was it telling me I had ALREADY FOUND HER??? Or, was it *Again* wishful thinking? The power of my need? Or just the usual fantasy one has when “trying someone on” for size? (see blog entry: Love on the Racks). The glitch in that, is I was in a meditative state, not one of fantasizing, and also that I never feel that way when trying someone on. . .I can’t get that emotion to match the vision. This vision was presented to me, unbidden. I was not even thinking of her. And besides…i don’t have sexual fantasies very often. I can never keep hold of them. Maybe that’s why i stay so frustrated…..wow…i just realized that might be why i write erotica the way I do and have to make a concerted effort to keep it out of at least a few of my novels…it is the only way i can have a fantasy…mmm…epiphany alert……
I’m not sure what’s happening. I only know that she is the most significant person to cross my path in some time. The others were valuable in their own way, but somehow this feels like something else. I don’t dare mention this in any specific way to her, because it is too early to know what we will be to each other until our energies share the same space. And I also don’t dare mention it for fear she will think I’m some sort of obsessive-clinging-stalker, with a secret agenda. I want her to know who I really am, and who I am on other levels. . .
When I write to her my thoughts flow and they are voluminous. She intrigues me, she makes me excited about learning and understanding in a new way, and sharing my own experience with her; the things I’ve learned along my own path. . . and then there is this tenderness in me toward her which I have no basis for. . . so often I sense this overwhelming need to put my arms around her and just hold her close, feel her next to me, show her something soothing and real. . .it’s insane, really. WE HAVEN’T MET. Still, I know it’s not because I’m a crazy obsessed stalker. Totally not part of my identity. So I can only surmise it is either some fantasy gone out of control, with some existing person to attach it to, or it is actually meaningful in that she REALLY IS different, and our meeting has been arranged on some vibrational level, due to my work with the Law of Attraction and Deliberate Creation and Allowing.
When I hear that little email sound, I have a nanosecond of genuine excitement—a thrill. I hope it’s her. And when I see it’s not, my energy drops and I can’t concentrate on anything but her, and I end up just reading the other things she wrote to me before. . .if the mail IS from her, I smile, and feel my energy rise. At the end of the workday, i know i won’t have contact with her until the next day, and it keeps me from sleeping. It’s like my brain has fallen in love with her brain. Is that possible?
Brains are connected to bodies, yes, and we have not met in person, no. But the mind . . .the mind is not the physical brain, it is the energy that imbues the brain. . .so therefore, my mind could be in love with her mind, and that would not be far-fetched because mind is all I know of her in any authentic way, and mind is both local and non-local in nature—part of the collective consciousness. . .so I may be feeling what is out there in the cosmos—my mind dancing with her mind.
I even wrote a poem to her, that I will not ever share with her, unless we move into a romantic affiliation. And I wrote a sort of vow to her, as if it was something I would say if we were to have a Union of any kind—talk about LEAPING ahead. . . this behavior completely confuses me. Was she my mate in a past life, and that’s coming up because that’s part of what i know of her?
I want her to call me. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice and see if it also resonates with me on that auditory level we both share. I did call her phone when I knew she wouldn’t answer, to hear her outgoing message, and her voice was just as I FELT it would be. I had heard her voice in that meditation, and it was the SAME VOICE she had. It did have a positive affect on me. But I have not had a phone conversation with her yet—that is to take place tomorrow.
I want to meet her, in person, share a space with her and see if that is also another connection. I am struggling with that old Instant Gratification Disorder. I want to know. I want to know now. I want to know yesterday. If I push, though, I have this feeling that it would be disastrous; that if there is something between us, and it is in its infancy, that I will frighten her away, or our energies will be out of step, somehow.
But how can I catalog this? Where do I put her? My approach to her would be different, depending on the answer to that question, and I can’t have the answer to that question until I meet her, and so I have no idea how to behave. And I don’t want to rush, either. I do, but I don’t. I am anxious to feel those things again. . .but I also know that it has to be with the right person, and I don’t know if that’s who she will be to me, and even if she is, I want to have that old fashioned dating experience at least once, where me and that other person hold back on the physical thing, and we just let it build, and allow ourselves to become acquainted in a real sense, and on many levels. But how can i have that if it IS her, but she lives in another state?
I feel so strongly that I have missed a grand portion of what it is to build a real relationship in a healthy way. I want that.
Even if it’s not with her.
Yet, I find myself hoping, it is.