Up until the day it truly ended, I believed that she was just overwhelmed with things and not strong enough to pull herself out of the abyss. I believed that circumstances beyond our control poisoned all the water in the relationship well. That she lost herself somewhere along the way. I excused this, even though there should have been a limit to how much she let other people control her happiness and ability to function. I tried not to judge her harshly, but just be supportive, even amid my own fears and unhappiness.
Now, with the new information, it’s different in my mind. She so often accused me of being incapable of saying I was wrong. This has never been true and I will illustrate once more here, with irony: I was completely and utterly wrong about her. Who she was. Flat wrong. She had lied from the very first day about what she thought and felt, and never shared her true feelings with me. And she could only see the negative in her private moments, but still talked the talk to my face about the positive. And she distorted so much in her mind–misunderstood so many things, heard something different than what was being said. She had this scary way of contradicting herself even within the same paragraph or sentence. When both of those things could not have been true at once. I saw the disconnect in her reasoning; the nonsensical way she interpreted every detail she focused upon, and how she ignored all the other details that would have balanced it out. I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t been privy to this new information. Information that cuts like a knife, and is so unfair, so heartless, so shallow and petty and riddled with deception and falsehood.
SO when the stressors came along in our relationship, what i was seeing was her REAL self. The one she could no longer hide. The one who could not tell the truth. The one who had no coping skills, could not communicate her feelings or thoughts, could not find strength, but only turn to drugs and alcohol; the one who could not process information in a healthy or rational way. The one who had no clue about my value as a human being or a partner. The one who could look right at me and say she loved me, wanted to be married to me, knowing it wasn’t true and she didn’t even know how to love.
That was the most mammoth lie of all. To let someone think you love them when you don’t. To go along with each and every stage in a growing relationship, and never utter a word of what you were really feeling and thinking. To let that other person plan her life according to that promise you gave her. To allow that person to sacrifice herself to you, believing that it was real. All a lie.
How did I not feel that? Maybe I did, but just dismissed it as the result of the outside stressors. Now i see. I spent a year of my life on this person who made the sincerity of my heart a falsehood. And then followed it up with still more falsehood when it was time to step up and have some integrity and own her mistakes. Instead, she tried to shift that blame onto the person who tried to love her, tried to help her and was always 100% honest about everything.
What you gave in return were lies. All lies.