Yearly Archives: 2003

Hygienic Hijinks

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I saw a few commercials about it, and found myself warming to the idea. But not so long ago, I thought it was the most bizarre practice I’d ever heard of. I was afraid to visit a European country for fear I would be forced to take part in this cleansing ritual. Now, I’m a big proponent of cleanliness, but there are some concepts that are foreign to me. I just didn’t think I could ever get used to the idea of sitting on a toilet and having my genitals accosted by a stream of water. By now I guess … Continue reading →

Symbols Are Not Things

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

In recent news there is a battle of wills at play regarding the presence of a 10 Commandments monument in the Alabama Judiciary Building. I feel the same way about this as i do the flag-burning issue. The real issue here, i believe, is that people make the error of attaching God to a symbol, rather than to their own inner consciousness. It makes no difference what they do to that monument or symbol. Proponents of keeping it in that building are saying, essentially, that removal of the monument will somehow damage God. This is essentially a fallacious argument, since … Continue reading →

Canine PTSD?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

He has begun to have bladder control problems. He goes through phases when he begins to shake, and whine for no apparent reason. He has, for the second time, exhibited a sort of PTSD response to normal stimuli. When we were at the other house a few months ago, he had this response to LS on the porch, when she had removed her boots, and smacked them together to knock off dried mud. He yelped, screamed and ran under the furniture, he was shaking uncontrollably. When i would get near him, he would suddenly yelp as if i had kicked … Continue reading →

Behorned Cleated Demon, & the Exxon Valdez

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I have horrible cramps. A little behorned cleated demon is kicking the crap out of my ovaries… Oh it’s so hard to be female sometimes… I could run a hot bath and get in to soothe my horrible cramps. I can see it now…I’d get all settled and then reach for the soap and realize it’s up on the hangy thing, and I’d have to stand up to get it at which time the giant squids would fall out of me, and turn the water pink. I’d then have to drain the water because i don’t want to soak in … Continue reading →

Figs From Hell

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

or FIGtastropheorThe 7th Circle of Hell is Full of Figs and I Can’t FIG-ure It Out It was supposed to be a simple process. My friend, Justice Harlow, drew a logo for someone. A company called The Hairy Fig. We were going to scan the drawings and then import them from the scanner to Paint Shop Pro, where I would resize them according to the needs for the website, and for business cards. Somewhere in the middle of all this, something went terribly wrong.It began when my friend asked me to place all the large versions of the 4 different … Continue reading →

The 11th Hour

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

(the Persistence of Screaming Jae Baeli) Sept 8thIn a few short days, the 2nd anniversary will be upon us. The Eleventh hour of the 11th. Media, et al, is buzzing about the likelihood of some other attack on us by terrorists. I am apprehensive as well. It makes me angry at them and angry at an administration that mismanaged things from the start. Now the Village Idiot who usurped the Throne–the one we call our President–asks for huge amounts of money to try to clean up the mess; to fund the rebuilding of their “infrastructure.” Well, we have some sorry … Continue reading →

The Pusher

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Certain people…why do they vex me so much? My most vexing personality type is the PUSHER. They suck the juice out of my brain and it is just so tired…. Recently, I had an unusually taxing experience with the Pusher…I had to keep reiterating that my response in a situation was about BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE…BRAIN FATIGUE! I wanted to get some some facts straight: I am not her My brain is not her brain My particular needs for balance and harmony are not hers. I was not angry that she spilled tea on my desk–I recognized that was … Continue reading →

Mississippi: First Circle of Hell?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Mississippi just might be the first Circle of Hell. The heat and humidity here is oppressive, to say the least. I can always get a derisive laugh out of locals when i say, “When’s it going to snow?” I admit, i had some preconceived notions about moving to a coastal area. Most of those notions were probably based on movies I’ve seen like Sleepless in Seattle. Important distinction here: that’s the Pacific Northwest, this is the Southern Gulf. I’ve noticed that when people talk about living “bi-coastal,”they are obviously leaving out the THIRD coast. The U.S. is really tri-coastal. The … Continue reading →

Vaudeville Mantis, Finals & A Severed Finger

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I DREAMED there was this Praying Mantis who was the size of one of those anti-theft steering wheel “clubs.” This Mantis could sing and dance like a seasoned vaudevillian…. I came around a corner in this building and saw him and was flabbergasted. He was singing “My Way.” All I could think about was getting to my camera so I could return and capture this once-in-a-lifetime event… When i returned, camera in hand, the Vaudeville Mantis had gone; witnesses pointed around the corner, and I found him there, smaller, not singing and not dancing…a regular mantis…i was so mad. No … Continue reading →

Mississippi Bites

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Four days ago, i was bitten by something. I assume it was some sort of spider…but thankfully, not the kind that sends you to the E.R. with nausea and anaphylactic shock, and not the kind that rots a big hole in your skin like something out of a bad horror movie. But toxic enough to be painful, cause swelling and prevent the use of my right hand for four days. The bubble that formed had the consistency of a water balloon. Then the bubble began to spread out the next day until my whole hand was swollen. It felt like … Continue reading →

Chess For Sex

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Chess for sex is so much better than strip-poker. It’s a blending of the intellectual with emotion, competition with the carnal. Even though i lost, i really won, because chess-partner took mercy on me and let me have the consolation prize: which was the same as the winning prize. And it was great. I found myself driving to her house with an excitement and glee I had not expereinced in some time. And I also find myself taking online chess lessons, now, because i don’t know if the mercies will be extended next time i lose.

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Monster Under the Bed

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

When I was a child, I experienced a common phobia regarding the “creature under the bed”…when getting into bed at night, I’d turn out the light and run across the room, jumping onto the bed, careful not to get my vulnerable, little-girl feet next to the opening beneath it. This was so nothing could grab me. Now that i am an adult, my phobias are much more mature. Now, when i go to the bathroom at night, i always turn the light on so i don’t sit on the toilet in the dark and not see the awful creature that … Continue reading →

Door Christians

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Well here’s my latest little adventure…I’m one of those people who has to have a certain amount of control over my environment to be happy. When that gets disrupted, it fucks with my Chi, as I like to say. As a songwriter, I often spend long hours working on tracking my music in my home studio. I was in the middle of recording a new song and had already started over twice, and really had it going good this time when…. …there was a knock at the door. My dog, Giz, went to barking, (‘Cause it fucks with his Chi, … Continue reading →

Jenfu

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

The Internet can be such a treasure chest. Amid my brief excursions into dictionaries and reference materials for my writings, i stumble on little gems that make me feel so fortunate. Not a Fountain of Youth, but maybe a fountain of comfort, entertainment, moments of peace or camaraderie. One of those pearls is an online journal by a young woman with the moniker, JENFU. I read her entries, and i feel inspired, hopeful, understood–jealous; i feel i want to know what she looks like, to put a face to the writing, i want to be her best friend. I eat … Continue reading →

Breath of Life

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I am fascinated by the unknowable. Some people spend their whole lives saying “I Don’t Know” to those esoteric questions that arise. Me, I like to explore the issue and come to some sort of conclusion. It’s that propensity I have to bring order to the chaos. That’s another reason why all my bathroom accouterments are neatly stored in transparent shoe bags on the wall…. One monstrous “unknowable” is the question of when our souls enter our bodies. When does a life become something more than a tumor on life support, and instead a human complete with its own soul? … Continue reading →