Monthly Archives: April 2008

Purple Prose & Metaphoric Misdemeanors

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

  * as usual, these are my opinions, based on my own experience of writing and editing for the last 25 or so years. Not all writers, editors and readers will agree, and that’s fine. I offer it as valuable information I learned which made me a better writer, in hopes it will help another writer reach that goal. Writers, beware: You must NOT fall in love with your words. You must fall in love with your craft. That’s the thesis for this entire post, but read on, if you want details. I am forever mortified by the details that … Continue reading →

Romancing the Drone

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

My friend Georgie sent me this link because she knew I’d get riled up and blog about it. She was right. Romancing the Blog: Purple Prose: A Bum Rap A blog by Rebecca Brandewyne, the romance writer. She should have named herself Rebecca From Sunnybrook Farm. She’s delusional. One look at her absurd photo tells you all you need to know about her writing. She looks like Dolly Parton’s illegitimate daughter. Can you say Glamour Shots? I have written romance before. But I quickly outgrew the sort of romance to be had gushing from the pen of Ms. Brandewyne. I … Continue reading →

Gynepsychology

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

You ever wonder who the gynecologist for famous actresses is? Can you imagine? Most men dream of even seeing a female star; this guy gets to put his fingers in their coochies, and put his face right up there in it. All in the name of medicine. Sanctioned by reputable institutions of higher learning. But they’re still men, and I can’t imagine they wouldn’t be just a little thrilled with their career choice. I’ve always been suspicious of male gynecologists, anyway. I mean, what kind of guy is in med school and decides he wants to look at vagina’s all … Continue reading →

How Spammers Really Make Money

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Whenever my email box fills up, I have to wonder: what are these spammers thinking? Do they really believe that anyone will click on that link to buy what they are selling? DO they not know they are among the most hated individuals in the history of humankind? Well why would they care, when this type of business is anonymous, and also virtually free to market? One thing I do know is, if i get another mail about the size of my penis I’m going to scream. But, you think, they MUST be making money. Someone MUST be clicking those … Continue reading →

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Unbearable

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

No matter how many times it happens, I am still chagrined by the onslaught of those who don’t seem to understand what mature behavior is. Even something as simple as being sensitive to the feelings of others, or having some kind of grip on self-awareness, seems to be an unreachable goal to so many people. For instance, if someone tells you how something you’re doing is making them feel, it’s not the mark of maturity to tell them their feelings are silly and dismiss them. And if you’ve had a grand total of one relationship in your entire adult life, … Continue reading →

Boarzilla

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

This is unbelievable. And I don’t believe it. I know how to use Photoshop too. It’s like Jurassic Park or something. MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) – Hogzilla is being made into a horror movie. But the sequel may be even bigger: Meet Monster Pig. An 11-year-old Alabama boy used a pistol to kill a wild hog his father says weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and measured 9-feet-4 from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail. Think hams as big as car tires. If the claims are accurate, Jamison Stone’s trophy boar would be bigger than Hogzilla, the … Continue reading →

Food For Thought: Veganism

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I would HATE EATING if i could not have some meat every now and then. (again, a joy-sucker to deprive myself of simple pleasures). I think the “meat-eaters” they study to bolster their claim that veganism is healthier, are the ones that eat meat with every meal, and this includes things like HAMBURGERS from McDonald’s. (if you haven’t seen the documentary Supersize Me, please do. It will spin your head around.) But, For those of us that eat boiled or broiled or baked chicken breast, seafood, and lean red meat periodically, it has NOT been shown to be harmful. The … Continue reading →

He Said/She Said–Attributions in Fiction

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

When you deal with a lengthy work like a novel, there are opportunities galore to repeat yourself, and being lazy about attributions is a good example of that. Remember, it doesn’t help to change “she said” to “she exclaimed” as a means of beefing up your writing, although in moderation, that can be fine. Repeating the attribution “said” or finding a synonym for “said” is an example of a rank amateur whose writing is rank. In these cases, leave the attribution out altogether. If your dialogue is arranged properly, your reader should always know who’s speaking, with only a few … Continue reading →

Lesbians: Art Does not Imitate Life

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Excerpted from my book,ISO (in Search Of): The Art of Dating, Relationships & Sex for the Discerning Lesbian Any Lesbian who is currently single knows that it’s often a great deal less romantic to be unattached than the media would have us believe. Many of us would love to hang out with the kinds of women we see on the L-Word, yet in the Lesbian Community, this is often not an option. Sophisticated, feminine lesbians are simply not the norm, overall. Most of the actresses who play those roles are in fact, heterosexual. I have frequently been chagrined by this. … Continue reading →

Conversations With my Cats–#1 in a series

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

So i sat down in my desk chair, and biscuit comes up, with her feather-duster tail conducting some silent orchestra, and i pet her. She lets me do that now, more than she did before. But then she eventually pulls away. “See?’ I say to her. “You realize it’s not so bad to have that affection, but you still can’t help it. I don’t know where that comes from because i’ve had you since you were an itty bitty kitty, and you’ve always been safe and nothing bad has ever happened to you. So i guess it’s about that nature … Continue reading →

MMA: The Real Deal, though Homoerotic

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

A few years ago, i developed an interest in boxing. Watching it, not participating. But then, i came across the relatively new sport of MMA–Mixed Martial Arts. I mostly watch WrekCage, World Extreme Cagefighting (WEC) on Versus. It is the fastest growing sport in America, and its fans run the gamut of economic, social and ethnic demographics. One of the first things i noticed–perhaps absurdly–was that the sport seemed overtly homo-erotic. Scantily clad men would wrestle with each other, their arms and legs entwined in often very sexual poses, and they could win the fight through techniques like “Submission” and … Continue reading →

Vicious Cycle: What No One Talks About

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

If my ear falls off, I have my friend, Justice Harlow, to thank. But I wouldn’t trade our conversations for the world (nor her). In a recent conversation, we began talking about politics. I’m a registered Independent, and she’s a registered Democrat, though i think she’s probably really an Independent too, she just hasn’t changed the paperwork. She shared her perspectives on our current elections and the candidates, and why the surface of things isn’t always what we ought to be looking at. Nor should we turn a blind eye to making decisions we didn’t think we’d make, just because … Continue reading →

Politically Incorrect Kevlar

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I keep hearing from friends about how bad the job market is. Some of them are struggling to find work, and they have found that there are some jobs they can’t get, thought they are qualified. You know why? Because nowadays, many jobs are off limits unless you are bi-lingual. Banks are a good example of this. Now, lets think: isn’t this BACKWARDS? I feel it is. I think it is the antithesis of how things should operate. If someone from another country who speaks another language, comes to the US, they are the ones who should be bi-lingual. I … Continue reading →