Category Archives: midlife crisis

Stupid, Honorable, High-Road Seeking Fool

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

In a post from a few years ago (two posts, actually, under Going to Denver Because You’re Dead) I chronicled this transition of moving to Colorado to start a new life; again reinventing myself, with the hope of somehow finding my new place in this ever-changing, ever-challenging world.  I got rid of three-quarters of everything i owned, packed a U-Haul trailer behind my Cherryot, and off I went. A journey that lasted 30 hours on many days of little sleep. By the time I arrived in Denver, i was exhausted, lost, and had this sensation of being on another planet. … Continue reading →

Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae–I feel once more the scars of the old flame…

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Most things for me, now, are in the context of being an HSP. My Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a brain architecture that will never change. It is part of me as much as DNA or eye color or ethnic origins. I know that one of my main weaknesses in this life, is that I don’t do well as a single person, and by extension, I don’t do well sexless. Those needs get in the way of my common sense in evaluating the character of some women. So I have been so bold as to place ads on adult sites, seeking … Continue reading →

Hanging the Moon and Lesbian Monikers

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

I placed another personal ad on Craigslist. Hopefully this won’t turn into a freak-fest like it did last time. And if it does, well, more material for my writing. LOL. The Ad I used before was way more humorous, but I was afraid it might be overwhelming and make ME look a little crazy. Who knows? Here’s the one I used before: Only seek LOCAL friends & dates. Please & thank you. LDR’s are usually doomed from the start. It’s like being pecked to death by chickens. So not big on them unless you can afford to travel to date … Continue reading →

Mid-Life Crisis, Much?

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas If aging is hard for the average person, imagine how hard it is for someone who has no current social circle, no family, no children, who works at home, is an HSP, an atheist, and a single lesbian. The greatest of these challenges is, for me, being without a partner. I am not suited to singlehood. I hate everything about it. I need someone to cook dinner for when she comes home … Continue reading →

Alien Tummy Tuck

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Just checking my hair. No apparent reason, just throwing a passing glance in the mirror on my way to turn on the shower, and saw some little blemish on my face. Closer inspection revealed nothing of consequence. But then i looked closer in the looking glass…(Alice never had a trip like that through the looking glass) closer…until i could see the pores on my skin, touch the bags under my eyes and saw how loose the skin was….my skin had become loose somewhere along the way. Not the skin of my 20’s,or even 30’s, but the skin of someone growing … Continue reading →

Fat Chance: Lament of a Transplanted Single

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Before moving here, I never had to worry about what my friends thought of me. They knew me. Sometimes for 10 or 20 years–a few of them longer than that. And I was in relationships usually. Serial monogamist. So I didn’t have to worry about the impression I made, or if I was going to get laid anytime soon, or whether there was someone to confide in, play with…now, it’s all new. New State, new city, new people, and SINGLE, though not NEWLY SINGLE. Aside from a five month relationship, I’ve been single for what? 4 or 5 years? Add … Continue reading →

Making Tracks

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

So my first First Fridays at Tracks. I went, faithfully following my GPS, and watching the little pulsing blue dot that was me on the map, as I veered repeatedly from the route I was supposed to take. I’ve discovered that if I just drive straight shots through town, I do better. The Highway is confusing and I end up taking the wrong lane and having to circle back and start over. Later I ran into Tina and her friend and spent a little time with them. Everyone wanted to steal my electronic cigarette. I must get some stock to … Continue reading →

On the Heels of…

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

  I had a marathon conversation last night with an ex from 10 years ago; and reconnected with her (Terra), via something she came across in my blog. The last half of the conversation created a feeling of great discomfort for me–both then, and this morning. My dreams were filled with people from the past, and anxiety tinted the start of my day. I was aware that in this phone conversation, I had slipped back into old habits and patterns of response and emotion. Our conversation was triggering me like a pack of firecrackers. She is, at the moment, inextricably … Continue reading →

Whining Pariah

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Colorado…….I’m sure there are kindreds out there (I do have a fabulous best friend, 2 hrs away, but i mean OTHERS). I am so anxious to meet all the people in the social groups I’ve joined online already. The degree to which I want this move is palpable; I can think of little else, and my level of stress reflects my fear that it might be delayed, or–unimaginably–not possible at all. Here, where I am, I always feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel like the pariah. (Don’t forget, this is the Bible-Belt). I feel like most … Continue reading →

Things i don’t need.

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

  I don’t need ovaries, nor the monthly hemorrhaging that evolution has foisted upon me; this survival mechanism meant to perpetuate the species via progeny. I have not and will not ever experience life in my womb (apparently not even of the pleasurable, stimulating variety, if present is any indication of future). Even if i were young enough to bear children, I neither have the desire nor the likelihood of doing so as a lesbian who would never, by definition, sleep with a man, and could not fund the artificial process. I don’t need that lizard brain interpretation of the … Continue reading →

Brain Dump: Mortality & Meaning

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Okay, I know this is going to be less a blog, and more a journal entry, but whatever. Consider it the first in a series of brain dumps. <<–Look, i even made a graphic for it…. Onward…. I usually try to see the bright side of things, and when I can’t do that, I try to see the funny side. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. And often the dark side can be funny, if you know how to manipulate the data. But this morning, I think my brain is in some other gear….PARK, maybe. It hits me like … Continue reading →

My Birthday Legacy Rumination

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on by

Today is my birthday. I’ll be 44. (yes, i will! shut up!). And since today is my birthday, I thought I’d do the obligatory ruminations. Who, what, where, when, and why…and how.WHO: My big three identity markers are, Author, Artist, Singer-Songwriter. I’m also an avid blogger, a therapeutic touchist, a webmaster, an armchair philosopher, and….I like cheese. WHAT: Fiction and non-fiction–I have 12 books in print with about 5 more available (I hope) by the end of this year. I like to paint, and do sculpture and pottery. I record CD’s of my original music in my paltry home-studio, and … Continue reading →