Category Archives: experience

Operation Homostead & Dooflingywhatsit

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While I’m battling The Change of Life, we are also dealing with A Change of Life. Major changes on the horizon, all of which we have chosen for ourselves, which of course, makes it easier to weather. Our decision to make homesteading our goal, had to begin with all the preliminaries. Where? When? How? We know we want to settle in central Wisconsin, mostly because Melissa is from that area, and around Chicago, and her family is all there. She needs to be close to her grandmother, who is well into her 90’s and has had some health scares. But Melissa has … Continue reading →

Bloody Hands

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Every novelist should sit down at the keyboard with blood on their hands. To know what it feels like to have been wronged and to have wronged. To be guilty and innocent. A novelist must have truly lived her life–sucked the marrow, tended the wounds, lashed out in fear and anger, in order to write a story that speaks authentically at deeper levels; that explores human nature and the human condition in all its beauty and ugliness. A novelist must have experienced life–that visceral knowledge that comes only from having felt the range of emotions, discovered the myriad permutations of … Continue reading →

Letter to a Battered Heart

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Open letter to a friend whose heart is battered…. I remember that you were there for me when I was going through a lot and had no one. So I will do my best to be here for you, now. In this life, you have to separate your mental and emotional things, your habits, your beliefs–like laundry. Whites over there, colors over there, delicates there. You can’t throw them all in together or the colors will bleed and what was once pure and white is now sullied. Some things must be kept apart, some things put together, and you always … Continue reading →

Too Much World: A Look at Highly Sensitive People

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In an article in Psychology Today,* I again found comfort in the knowledge that there are others like me out there, and my particular brand of weirdness is not “damage” but an inherent brain architecture I am born with. Just like others are born with blue eyes or musical ability.I speak of those in our species who live with Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which is the scientific term for this trait. More colloquially, it is known as HSP- Highly Sensitive Person, a collection of traits that was identified in pioneering research by Elaine Aron, PhD. Regarding the nature of HSP’s, Aron … Continue reading →

Mid-Life Crisis, Much?

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Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas If aging is hard for the average person, imagine how hard it is for someone who has no current social circle, no family, no children, who works at home, is an HSP, an atheist, and a single lesbian. The greatest of these challenges is, for me, being without a partner. I am not suited to singlehood. I hate everything about it. I need someone to cook dinner for when she comes home … Continue reading →

Being Fully Human

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Theodore Roosevelt once said: It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who … Continue reading →

Vamoosing

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Suspended my Netflix account. Still packing, desperately needing boxes. Downstairs, I pulled up everything in that storage room, which was the contents brought so far from storage when I actually thought I was going to be living here permanently, and her mother had finally moved, so I could do that. But only after we had ripped up the carpet down there and cleaned the unbelievable nastiness her mother lived in. bleach fumes, up and down stairs, aching body. I realized I would have to leave some things behind because it wouldn’t fit in my car or in storage, and I … Continue reading →

Going to Denver Because You’re Dead (2)

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In this second installment, I am on my way, the tone of the journey being set right away in Joplin, a mere 60 minutes from my starting place… Fri August 1 at 9:08am~ Jae:: in Joplin at loves truckstop. Having food and getting ice for my neck. It’s swelling. It’s tedious already driving 45mph I feel like I’m going to CO on horseback. Veep: but not bareback…..right? Jae: Yes, bareback, where all the trouble is to be found. First, i get back on the exit and take the wrong turn, winding up on an access road next to the interstate, … Continue reading →

Anything But Zen

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Disclaimer: This post in no way represents any doubt about what I believe as far as religion. This is just part of the journey when you seek the truth. Some of it will be hard for your emotional-self to assimilate. But I believe that solutions exist and writing about it, talking about it, is my way of finding those solutions. This morning, after letting my dog, Giz out, and making coffee, I went back and opened the door to call Giz in, and instead of his name I just shouted, “Helloooooo!” A sign of Ginkgo Biloba deprivation? Early onset Old-Timers … Continue reading →

Being Fully Human

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Theodore Roosevelt once said:It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at … Continue reading →

Is that What Really Happened?

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…and then there are times when our view of a situation is tainted by erroneous beliefs. It only takes one morsel of misunderstanding, one particle of perpetuation, and all proverbial hell breaks loose. And this Hell might be just the catalyst for a solution. Maybe even the ONLY catalyst that would serve the purpose. As thinking humans, we learn from our experience. We understand through associations. If we have a repeated experience, we soon believe that it is in fact the SAME experience. It is a reflection of the old adage, “If it walks like a duck, quacks like a … Continue reading →

Crossing Paths

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(from my book, Crossing Paths) Sometimes there are people who cross paths with us, and it takes a little time to figure out the big picture of just why they do. Sometimes the big picture becomes unpretty. When it becomes clear that these two people are not good for each other for whatever reason, it is not always a thing to be regretted. I firmly believe that we can choose to see it as a valuable lesson, an enrichment of us on many levels. Some people are not meant to share any kind of path, but only to cross for … Continue reading →

When a relationship ends

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When a relationship ends, you begin to think of all the negative things about that person. Sometimes that’s a coping mechanism that helps you deal with the loss, and sometimes it’s clarity. You must step away from something to truly see it. If you’re glued to the side of something, you really have no idea what the other side of it looks like. But if you manage to rip yourself apart from it, you might lose skin, but the new one you grow will be thicker and more resilient– more capable of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. … Continue reading →

Jersey, Wawa, and Little Miss Delaware

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I just returned from a week in New Jersey, visiting a couple of friends. There are always dangers in big cities and always dangerous cities in every state. I knew that, and still, I had my own apprehensions; especially since a new report listed Camden as the most dangerous city in the nation. But i wasn’t in Camden. And everyone outside Camden knows to avoid Camden. Apparently, even the Camden Criminals know to stay within Camden. Or something like that. But I was in Glendora, and it reminded me very much of Colorado Springs. Clean, relatively safe, and not at … Continue reading →

Monster on a Half-Shell

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(from an email to an Ex) …..whew, okay. let me see if I can tackle this one…. My intent in contacting you was simple: I knew we would eventually cross paths and I didn’t want to dredge up the past. I am in a space where I want my life to move forward. I have learned a lot about myself, and about the dark rooms I wandered in for so many years. I cannot begin to tell you how many lights have been switched on. I didn’t like what I saw. As long as it was shrouded in darkness, I … Continue reading →