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Kelli Jae Baeli

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      • Also Known as Armchair Detective (AKA 1)
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Category Archives: HUMOR

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This-Close:
another bitch of a ditch

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on March 14, 2020 by Kelli Jae BaeliMarch 14, 2020

Change is good, they said. I believe that’s true, most days. Especially since I feel I’ve been in a bitch of a ditch for the last 7 years. Well, not the same ditch. Different ditches. But ditches, just the same. Trenches, maybe. Foxholes. Caves? Anyway, I was ready for those changes we were finally able to make. My wife was about to get a small inheritance. Just enough to get us where we needed to go, if we were lucky. But the inheritance was delayed by various machinations, a few of them due to some abject assholery perpetrated by other … Continue reading →

Posted in frustration, SOCIOPOLITICAL, HUMOR, stress, life, fear, angst, chaos, HEALTH, change, disillusionment, money, harsh realities, crisis, moving, luck, anxiety, CHALLENGES & MISHAPS, CURRENT AFFAIRS, pandemic, donald trump, donald trump | 2 Replies

Totes & Noodles & Flannel

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on November 10, 2018 by Kelli Jae BaeliMay 15, 2019

That wasn’t the weirdest thing I’ve ever done in bed–(insert your own off-color comment here).

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Posted in Uncategorized, HUMOR, Sleep, life, RELATIONSHIPS, problem-solving, conversations, domestic partnership, personality, CHALLENGES & MISHAPS, marriage, weirdness, aliens, All Bets Are Off, Apocalyptic Women | Tagged humor | Leave a reply

New Release: Circling Uranus

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on August 30, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliAugust 31, 2017

5.0 out of 5 starsBrilliant!!!!!! ByThe old one!on August 30, 2017 Kuddos to Ms. Baeli! This story is fantastic. Talk about covering some ground (or space) in a short book—this is a prime example of brilliant writing. Science Fic—yes. Les/fic—somewhat. Adventure—yes. Homesteading–yes. Perseverance—-yes. Bravery—yes. Humor—yes. I liked Story but it was Shrtz that really grabbed me—-and can she ever “grab”! I enjoyed he references to “Clan of the Cave Bear” because it is one of my all time favorite series. I also thought the POTUS anagram was exceptionally well done. If you have any trepidation about reading this—-just go for … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, sex, past, lesbians, TIME, Kelli Jae Baeli, SCIENCE, TRAVEL, erotica genre, Amazon, speculative fiction genre, indie publisher, science fiction genre, suspense genre, history, Psychological Suspense genre, scifi genre, Lesbian fiction genre, lesfic genre, fantasy genre, adventure genre, fuckbuddies, weirdness, Apocalyptic, Humor genre, Time-Travel, bestsellers, fiction, tentacle sex, Circling Uranus | Leave a reply

NEW RELEASE: Circling Uranus

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on August 28, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliSeptember 24, 2017
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Posted in HUMOR, lesbians, Kelli Jae Baeli, erotica genre, BOOKS, speculative fiction genre, science fiction genre, scifi genre, novellas, Lesbian fiction genre, lesfic genre, fantasy genre, adventure genre, weirdness, Apocalyptic, Humor genre, Time-Travel, fiction, tentacle sex, Circling Uranus, New Release | Leave a reply

In the Context of Spiders:
responses matter

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on May 17, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliSeptember 11, 2020

I was still working on the book, as I have been all day and evening, and Melissa came in for hugs, and then i sat back down in my chair, discussing what she’d probably have to do with this book while I’m recuperating after surgery. Lots of edits on the horizon, and such. About that time, I felt something crawling on my side, up under my shirt. I’d been slapping bugs off me all day today. Since I can rarely see past the swell of my bodacious tah-tahs, I lifted my shirt and Melissa laid eyes on the thing, and shouted with … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, quirks, PSYCHOLOGY, domestic partnership, WRITING LIFE, marriage, CREATURES | Leave a reply

Fear, Wisdom & Demons

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on May 10, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliSeptember 11, 2020

Had my appointment with the surgeon this morning. Per his advice, decided on the Total Abdominal Hysterectomy, Bilateral Salpingo Oophoractomy and Indicated Procedures. (Seriously, that’s what it’s called. Removal of uterus, cervix, ovaries, and tubes.) The main consideration, and why I’m not doing laparoscopic procedure, is because if there is any hidden malignancy, and they do the (pardon the candor) mincing up of those organs for extraction, it could infect other organs He actually shared a story about another patient that got cancer that way. And died. Point taken. I’m sure that was his way of convincing me what the … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, surgery, gynecology, GYN, menopause, hysterectomy | Leave a reply

What

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on May 7, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliSeptember 11, 2020

There’s a meme that is one of my favorites. “90% of being married is just shouting “what” from other rooms.” First time I saw it, I was laughing, and I said to my wife, Melissa, “Did you see this? Melissa yelled, “What?” from the other room. NO LIE.  

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Posted in HUMOR, marriage | Leave a reply

Inflatable Travel Companion

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on March 31, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliAugust 5, 2017

Most of my adult life, I’ve wanted a full-sized female mannequin posted in my foyer. Not just for comedic value. For practicality. I’m very utilitarian. I figured I could use her to hold the stuff I need by the door. She could wear my hat, hold my keys, my bag, my jacket– either wearing it or draped over one stiff arm. Or I imagined I could just put her in the house somewhere and dress her up in different outfits. Since my wife and I are always talking about our future life on the road in a travel trailer, throwing … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized, HUMOR, quirks, Domestic Trivia, Sex toys, TRAVEL, Operation Homestead | Leave a reply

Spider-Cabal

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on January 14, 2017 by Kelli Jae BaeliAugust 5, 2017

So last night, we got in bed and were reading, trying to relax after our incident with smacking into a deer on the way home. While ironically reading about prepping for various disasters and emergency situations, I felt a little tickle near my ribs. My first thought was that it might be a member of the arachnid species, but my mind immediately soothed, It could just be a wayward hair, or a cat’s tail, or Noodle’s whiskers. With impressive constraint, I pointed beside me. “Baby, is there something in the bed right here?” Melissa looked down and simultaneously shot out … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, fear, DOMESTICA, spiders | Leave a reply

Teeny Weenie Man (Free Download)

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on March 19, 2016 by Kelli Jae BaeliAugust 5, 2017

Thanks for visiting. My short story, Teeny Weenie Man can be downloaded for free directly from Kindle Unlimited, or below, you will find the links to download it from here in the format of your choice. Or you can own it for 99cents on Amazon (they won’t let me list it for free, there). Enjoy!   DOWNLOAD LINKS epub mobi xhtml (view in browser)

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Posted in HUMOR, universe, evolution, speculative fiction genre, mainstream fiction genre, science fiction genre, history, scifi genre, space, short stories, Humor genre, aliens | 2 Replies

Adventures in Indie Publishing, Incident #227:

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on August 12, 2014 by Kelli Jae BaeliAugust 12, 2014

Amazon informed me that they pulled my book, Rain Falls, off sale, because they were getting too many complaints from readers about a chunk of missing text in the digital version. I realized immediately what was happening, and I rolled my eyes so hard, I could see my brain. My apparently way-too-clever brain. I made adjustments in the file to accommodate this, and added this note to readers in the front:   SPECIAL NOTE TO READERS Recently, Amazon pulled this book down, because too many readers were complaining about missing text. Apparently, those readers did not understand that the missing … Continue reading →

Posted in frustration, intelligence, HUMOR, angst, CREATIVITY, disillusionment, Kelli Jae Baeli, Stupidity, harsh realities, ignorance, novelist, BOOKS, Amazon, writing business, WRITING LIFE, lesbian literature, indie publisher, WRITING, Writer's Block, novelwriting, PUBLISHING, willful ignorance, Rain Falls | 2 Replies

Charcoal Thursday Sale

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on December 1, 2013 by Kelli Jae BaeliDecember 1, 2013

I had stretched my budget to the limit at the end of this month, and wasn’t sure when my check would go in, but assumed I’d be spending Thanksgiving eating an avocado pocket sandwich, rather than something with turkey in it, to at least commemorate the holiday. But then, my check went in early, and I thought. “Hey, I should go buy some kind of turkey dinner now.” Well. It was a holiday, and I knew many things would be closed. I just hoped at least one of the grocery stores would be open. So I got in my van … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, aggravation, stress, Human Nature, chaos, harsh realities, Walmart, anxiety, HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON (HSP), Thanksgiving | Tagged crowds | Leave a reply

Win8, Lose2

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on December 1, 2013 by Kelli Jae BaeliDecember 1, 2013

Since I sleep most of the day and stay up all night in order to be on my baby’s schedule so we can visit during the day via Facebook text messaging or Skype video, I have gotten into the habit of wearing a sleep mask to block out light- in an effort to trick my brain into thinking its night time. My circadian rhythm has never been able to dance anyway. In fact it can’t even tap its foot. But I remember years ago seeing women on TV who slept in sleep masks and I thought I could never do … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, Sleep, loneliness, SOFTWARE, Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSP), Windows 8, Windows 7 | Tagged night owl, circadian rhythm | Leave a reply

Oh Victory in Earworms (A Melodious Malady)

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on June 25, 2013 by Kelli Jae BaeliMay 3, 2018

Kelli Jae Baeli #IronyoftheDay I’m an atheist, & yet I woke up with a HYMN stuck in my head. I’d pray to God to make it stop, but then, well. You know. Pasted from <https://www.facebook.com/jaebaeli> Yeah, that was my status update this morning. It’s bad enough, when you just get a regular song stuck in your head, but for an ATHEIST to get a HYMN lodged up in that looping track? Not just the insipid sycophantic melody those tunes always have, but the actual content of the lyrics, the sentiments inherent in hymnal/gospel music, et al; it’s sandpaper against every … Continue reading →

Posted in frustration, intelligence, HUMOR, dreams, life, CREATIVITY, PSYCHOLOGY, mind, Google, SCIENCE, novelist, PEEVES, music, RELIGION, atheist humor, CHALLENGES & MISHAPS, Songwriting, music, coping skills, dreams | Tagged earworms, dreamscape | Leave a reply

Belated & Premature Well-Wishing

Kelli Jae Baeli Posted on February 14, 2013 by Kelli Jae BaeliMarch 5, 2013

  This morning, I woke–still groggy from my trip to Ellaville–and had to fend off a Kissy-Monster. It was terrible. I can’t really talk about it. But my beloved had put a card and a little velvet pouch on the pillow next to me. A little gold bracelet and a sweet card. Valentine’s day is not a big deal here…yet, she had not ignored it…she is sneaky that way.  I had decided to ignore the event, so it wouldn’t make her feel guilty for not acknowledging it. Now I’m the one who feels guilty that I didn’t go ahead and … Continue reading →

Posted in HUMOR, RELATIONSHIPS, lesbians, happiness, hope, Facebook, domestic partnership, SEXUALITY, Valentine's Day, civil union | Tagged engagement | Leave a reply

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Quotes from Kelli Jae Baeli

"Whenever I finish writing a book, I always have this afterglow. Like I just had sex. I've now copulated 22 times."

Politics Quotes

"People feel removed from sexism. 'I'm not a sexist, but I'm not a feminist.' They think there's this fuzzy middle ground. There's no fuzzy middle ground. You either believe that women are people or you don't. It's that simple." (Joss Whedon)

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Kelli Jae Baeli©BestsellingGenreHoppingIndieAuthorFollow

33 bestsellers/60 books. #LoveAnimals #Treehugger #Democrat #DisabledVeteran #Humanist #Feminist #LGBTQ #cannabis #NoMoreSnowflakes #BLM #MeToo #organic

Kelli Jae Baeli©BestsellingGenreHoppingIndieAuthor

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10 May

I hope this monster is dying, but i noticed a long time ago that earlier pictures of him looked different, but i thought it was plastic surgery. He has not looked like this picture for years. https://twitter.com/brundle_fly/status/1524056076219387905

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1 May

5 of 5 stars to The Housemaid by Freida McFadden https://goodreads.com/review/show/4699686341

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25 Apr

Sure hope someone creates an alternative to Twitter, because it's now well and truly fucked with Elon Musk at the helm.

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23 Apr

"If someone says it's raining, and another person says it's dry, it's not your job to quote them both. Your job is to look out the fucking window and find out which is true." - Sally Claire

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23 Apr

I hate it when I go to public places and people are there.

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