In the newest collection of essays by voluminous author, Kelli Jae Baeli, we find the candid confessions her readers have come to expect.

In this volume, she explores the more colloquial experiences of popular television programs and books (The Year of Good Shows, The X-Factor: Not Just Another Idol, The X-Factor: Try to Rap Your Head Around This, Book Review: Valencia)  but then goes deeper into such subjects as the precarious nature of living (Deerly Beloved, Birthday Bash, Inhospitable Chair) abandonment, unrequited love and loyalty, (Letter to a Battered Heart, FWB, Happy Effing Anniversary, Extended Stress Hotel, 8 Things I Learned From  my Last Relationship, Father, No-Brother, Bell Ringing) betrayal, (The Biggest Lies of All) loneliness, (To Be or Not to Be, Midlife Crisis, Much?)  adjusting to major changes (Trauma Biscuit, Fleeing Field Mouse) and her struggle as a Highly Sensitive Person [HSP] in an often insensitive world (Positive Anchoring, Honesty & Humor,Too Much World: A Look at Highly Sensitive People, Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae–I feel once more the scars of the old flame…).

Deeply personal and profoundly moving, this collection speaks of the outcasts among us, struggling to survive amid the harsh realities of the human condition.

“A powerful, thought-provoking collection of essays that reveal the author’s ability to dig deep into the pits of despair, and moreover, seek ways to climb out…”
~KIWI Club Reviews

Father, No-Brother

had been asleep only four hours when I woke up crying. A dream. I was at some kind of family gathering, a reunion, perhaps. I was stocking some refreshments, but I was being paid to work at this place. (I haven’t done that kind of work in 20 years). From my peripheral vision, I saw a man walk in, and something compelled me to take a good look at him. It was my father. My dead father. No, it was my brother, who looked just like him, now. I hadn’t seen my brother in something like 13 years. He had changed. He now looked like my father. I turned away swiftly, not wanting him to see me. Not wanting the emotional confrontation that would be inevitable. What was he doing here? Tears began to stream down my face, and I continued to hide from my brother, hoping he wouldn’t recognize me. Even though I wanted to pretend he was my father, and I would have the chance to say goodbye.

My family took that away from me when he died last January, and I found out 13 days after the fact, from (of all places) friends of friends on Facebook. To add insult to injury, they left me out of the obit too. I wrote about this in Surviving Family Member.

Whatever it was that made my family hate me, is still a mystery. I spent half my adult life trying to win their approval and love, until I finally had to just give that up and get on with my life. Perhaps that’s why I spent the last ten years trying to become the most quality person I could be. I needed to know for sure that there was no reason for them to have made me the pariah, the outcast, the black sheep. No reason other than their own selfishness and ignorance. And I’m sure it’s why the thought of growing old without enough friends and a partner is so sad and frightening to me. If I don’t have many friends and a partner who loves me sincerely, and chooses to be with me, it becomes pejorative commentary on my value as a human being.

So again, I take a deep breath, tell myself I matter, wipe the tears away, and make coffee.


Creativity, Intelligence, & Depressive Realism

Why Not Me?

Surviving Family Member

Is This What it Takes?

Hang-outs, Sculpture & Tangents

The Year of Good Shows

The X-Factor: Not Just Another Idol

The X-Factor: Try to Rap Your Head Around This

Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae– I feel once more the scars of the old flame…

Letter to a Battered Heart


Throwing Bullets

Positive Anchoring, Honesty & Humor

Too Much World: A Look at Highly Sensitive People

Hanging the Moon and Lesbian Monikers

Indie Overload

Book Review: Valencia

Inhospitable Chair

Mid-Life Crisis, Much?

Mother-Guilt Archetype & Family Obligations

Deerly Beloved

Intelligence as Intimidation Factor

8 Things I Learned From my Last Relationship

Lesbian films

Tell Me About Yourself

Father, No-Brother

To Be or Not to Be

Bell Ringing

Birthday Bash

Fleeing Field Mouse

Happy Effing Anniversary

Extended Stress Hotel

Trauma Biscuit

The Biggest Lies of All

Author’s NOTE:

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